Friday, December 23, 2016

Ode to Fina...

Most of us don't remember where we were 14 years ago.  14 years ago I was 20 and had some questionable boyfriends, made some poor decisions, and let's just say I am very grateful social media wasn't what it is now.  I don't recall much from that time.  But I do recall that Fina was there...

I got Fina as a puppy from a "breeder" in Alabama.  I didn't know any better.  I was young and dumb and wanted a Yorkie.  She took my money and would call to tell me what flight the puppy would be on.  Then I would drive to the airport and she wouldn't be there, because the flight didn't exist.  This happened several times until I finally got this lady busted and got my puppy.  That was a great day.  I named her Fina-Lee because I finally got her.  I immediately loved her, especially knowing that she had come from a puppy mill and might not have had a very good outcome had she not been sent my way.  From day one, I wanted to do right by her.

She was a hot mess.  She had fleas the size of Texas, she was skinny, she had two rows of teeth, and she was bald from a case of Ringworm that was left untreated.  I fixed it all, and even wound up with my own case of Ringworm.  To this day, I avoid Ringworm at all costs.  But she came around and turned out to be a very beautiful, fun, sweet girl.  She was my friend.  I fixed her and she fixed me.

When I was in my twenties, there were so many things that were up in the air.  You don't know who you are.  You don't know what you want to do with your life.  You don't know who your friends are.  You don't know much.  Things are very unsure.  But through all of that, I had little Fina.  I called her "my heartbeat at my feet."  She was the one thing I could count on.  When you're young, you need that.  I don't know how people survive their early twenties without a "Fina."

I grew up, things changed, but Fina never did.  She was the constant in my life.  She changed the way many people saw little dogs.  She wasn't small, except in her physical size.  Everything else about her was larger than life.  Her heart was so full of love and life.  She inspired me to live life to fullest and find pleasure in simple things like food, sun and sleeping.  She did all of those things better than anyone I know.  Oh, and laundry.  She never actually DID laundry, but would wait anxiously for me to put the fresh laundry on the bed and then she'd climb up the laundry mountain.  If I folded it too quickly, well, that was my bad and Fina would gently remind me by unfolding it for me.  We spent lots of time curled up in this leopard print papasan chair I had.  Drinking wine(me, not her), eating rice and watching comedy or Lifetime movies.  She didn't have a preference, but I know she liked to see me laugh.  When we went to sleep, she always had to be right by my hip or she got very uppity about it.

Fina hated walks and leaving the house.  I bought her several carriers, all of which she hated.  Also, forget about the walks.  She would give me this look like I was out of my mind.  If I did press the issue, she would only walk in the middle of the street on the yellow line, where it was softest as to not mess with her perfectly soft pads.  To this day, she has the softest pads of any dog I know.  She has always been content to just chill on the couch, on the bed, on a throw pillow, or on one of her beds in the sun.  Fina has more beds than any one dog requires, but woman needs options!

Speaking of options.  The clothes.  I love to dress Fina.  It brings me joy to look through her wardrobe and find something for her to wear.  Someone once had told me that dogs don't like to wear clothes so I believed them and stopped dressing her for a minute.  It was the minute I found her sleeping on her clothes.  She loves getting dressed and after every bath we pick out something to wear and I tell her, "Fina, you look great."  And she does.  Poor Caiden now has to endure the dressing shenanigans.  Sorry, not sorry. 

When I met Jeff, he was pretty open about the fact that little dogs weren't his favorite.  But he at least seemed open to the idea of having her around so I didn't count him out.  Then, Jeff's dad passed away.  Honestly, I had no idea how to make it better for him.  And what he needed was space and time.  So I dropped Fina off and he stayed to help heal his heart.  Because Fina could just be there for you.  She could just be in the room and not say anything, but you would feel better.  Because she would be sitting there in some little dress or other ridiculous outfit and you would smile.  For a brief minute, your worries would go away.  Fina gave you courage.  The courage to fall apart completely, and then the courage to rebuild yourself.  After Jeff and I got married, Fina slept with him.  At first I was a little jealous, but then I realized that Fina goes where she needs to be.  And, also, where it's warmest.


Fina was always a priority to me.  She was my first child.  I have a loyalty to her, as she has had to me.  When I found out that I was going to have a human baby, I worried about her since she was getting older.  I took her in to get a blood panel and found out she had early renal insufficiency.  It didn't concern me.  Then, about four months later, she was doing very poorly and I took her in to find out it had quickly advanced.  So, no big deal.  We would give her some special food, and maybe some fluids.  But when she started turning her nose up at food, I started to worry.  But we added in some meds to help and I really was hopeful that things would turn around. I went and bought things I never thought I would ever buy like ground pork(bleh), turkey and ham gravy baby food(yuck), and anything else that Fina ever liked or I thought she'd like.  Some things would work for a day or maybe two, but that was it. She would have a good day or two, but then revert back to feeling awful. Every day I sat with her, trying to get her to eat.  Trying to get her light to shine again.  She tried sometimes, for me.  When she saw me crying.  I know she worried about me like she always has.

The decision to say good-bye isn't easy, but it is, at the same time.  Fina lost her light and would lay laterally just glancing up at me.  She didn't come to visit me anymore.  She stopped eating.  I woke up every day hoping that today was the day she would rally, but with each passing day I was more convinced she was ready.  And so, with bacon in hand, and Fina looking AH-MAZING in a Martha Stewart party dress, we said good-bye to little Fina in true Fina fashion.  It was so hard to try to be so strong, but I would've done anything for that little girl. I held it together until she was gone and then I immediately wanted to take my decision back.  Because for a brief moment, you think that maybe you could somehow stop her on her way to Heaven.  But she was already there.  I guess in some ways, she had always been there, just on loan to me.

I don't want to go on about saying good-bye.  It was awful, yet beautiful, and it was everything that Fina deserved.  Thank you to everyone who kept us in your thoughts and prayers, came to say good-bye to Fina, and made letting my little angel go somewhat bearable.  You all know who you are and I am forever grateful.

Fina will live on.  I still see her when I do the laundry.  Easton saves a bed for her in the sun daily.  Sometimes, I still go to get her before I leave.  Mornings are much quieter.  But, mostly, Fina lives on because of everything she instilled in me.  Fina taught me that life is nothing, unless it's shared, and preferably in the sun! She helped me to be a mom.  She was the first little one that I had and she was so patient and kind to me.  Thank God I had Fina before anyone else!  She paved the way for everyone else, leaving her tiny footprints along the way.  So, thank you Fina, for always being the heartbeat at me feet and relentlessly taking care of me for so long.  It was my pleasure to return the favor.  Thank you for leaving your footprints on my heart so that I may never be lost.  Until we meet again...


No comments:

Post a Comment