The truth about friends...

I try to set an intention for every workout.  Training for Ironman, my intention was very goal-oriented and focused.  After Ironman, my intentions have become very different.  Lately my intentions have ranged from my future, my marriage and my family and friends.  Today, I was thinking a lot about friendships.

As Easton and I headed out to "tear up some trails" something just clicked.  Some of my best friends have four legs!  It's been like this since I was old enough to know the meaning of the word "friend."  I thought about a few of my favorites and why they hold such a special place in my heart.  Hey, I'm not opposed to a two-legged friend, but I think the furry, four-legged kind are the ones we can learn the most from.

There was Roxy, the Yellow Labrador.  I had just learned to drive and she was my partner in crime.  She would hop in to my little red BMW, and we would drive with the windows down to the dog beach.  She would jump right in to the water and swim and swim.  She always looked so happy.  I didn't need to do much for her...just drive her to the beach.  She had that boxy Labrador head and when she passed away, I thought my heart would never mend. 

Gabilan was my first baby.  I hear people all the time say I don't know what true love is since I don't have a human child, but I agree to disagree.  I saw Gabilan the Thoroughbred drop to the ground and I was in love.  My heart was so full it could have burst.  We did it all.  I raised him from morning to night, introducing him to the world as he would know it.  I saw him grow from a tiny foal to handsome young man.  It was a once in a lifetime experience.  Gabilan will always be my "first born" even if I do one day have a human baby. 

Baile was my "special horse."  She was a Selle Francais Warmblood and she was hot, and nervous and the most beautiful horse ever.  She taught me how to really ride.  She taught me patience and love.  She was the last thing I had of my grandfather and I held on to her until she couldn't hold on anymore.  Baile was the sweetest horse you could have met, but the world frightened her.  She looked to me for guidance and because of her, I learned to be a leader.  I learned what it is to lead without aggression or dominance, but with patience, kindness and love.

Fina, the Yorkshire Terrier, came to me from very cruel beginnings in a puppy mill.  The lady had said she had a bad grooming experience, but really she had Ringworm, fleas and was emaciated.  She was knocking on death's door when I picked her up from the airport.  I nursed her back to health and she has been my healthiest, hardiest friend to date.  Fina is all of 4 pounds, but I haven't known a dog with a bigger heart.  She has seen me through some of my hardest times.  There were days when I wanted to give up on the world, but I could never give up on Fina.  She is independent, strong and sweet.  She is quiet, but has recently found her voice with the new addition of Easton.  Fina is content to sleep all day and just relax.  She promotes it actually.  I have tried to take her on walks and she isn't having it.  Her paws might be ten years old, but they might as well be puppy paws.  And who I am to ruin that for her?  Fina always knows when you need her, and will curl up on your lap and just sit.  When Jeff's dad died years ago, Fina went to stay with him and cheer him up.  Fina does her job marvelously.

And then there is Tiffany.  I spent every day looking for a Ragdoll cat to rescue and they are not easy to come by.  Years passed.  Then one day at Target I found a small child, lost from her mother.  When I returned the crying child to her mother, I received no thanks, no appreciation.  Nothing.  But then, that night, I found Tiffany.  Her owner was an old lady who could no longer keep her because she was in a walker and Tiffany posed a health hazard.  But the lady was not in a hurry to find her a new home.  I drove for hours and when I saw her, I knew she would be a part of the family.  She is gorgeous, and the sweetest little Ragdoll.  Jeff had said he didn't like cats, and it's true.  He doesn't like Tiffany AT ALL.  He adores her!  They have a ritual.  Jeff comes home and Tiffany greets him at the door, meowing.  Jeff asks, "Tiffany, do you want me to shake you?"  She meows.  And then Jeff picks her up and she goes limp like a Ragdoll and just purrs and purrs.  Cats give feedback.  They will let you know if you are doing something well.  And Jeff is her number one, despite my best efforts.  She hates that I always smell like girly lotion.  So, Jeff is her guy, and I'm the smelly mom.

Easton was my dream dog before he ever actually existed.  Like I assume some people desire purses, or sports cars, or a big house...I wanted a German Shorthair Pointer.  I talked about them, obsessed about them and looked at pictures online for hours.  I finally did my research, found a great breeder, and saved up my money for the dog, the toys and gear and the training.  When I saw his little face online for the first time, I was 100% convinced he should be mine.  He had huge, dopey ears and a big head and perfect markings.  He had a spot by his tail that made it look like someone just popped his tail on in the perfect spot.  To me, he was perfect.  When I met him, I cried.  And so did he.  All the way home.  He gets very attached to his friends and leaving his littermates was hard for him.  But he grew up to be everything I wanted in a friend.  He will run with me any day, any time, any condition, with no complaints.  It's raining.  Let's run.  It's hot.  Let's run.  It's perfect.  Let's run.  He will always go at my pace, even if it is always slower than he prefers.  He will pull me up a hill if I need it, and will slow down and walk in front of me going down a hill so I don't fall.  He will bark if there is someone who looks threatening, and he will greet you if you are kind.  He drinks perfectly out of a water bottle, and I'm happy to share with him.  He runs with ease and never looks fatigued.  He is an inspiration to me.  He never looks bummed to be out running.  He always has his panting smile on, and his big floppy ears bounce up and down as he floats along.  I'm always happier when he comes along.  He is what a friend should be.  I will never receive a mean email from him, or a text saying he is upset over something petty.  He will always be there, waiting.  Ready to go on whatever adventure we want to get in to next.  Easton has really brought a different dynamic to our family.  And he has made me really appreciate what a friend can be.  He makes me smile every day.

 

Friends are a special part of life.  They make things that were just okay, seem so much better.  They fulfill us in ways we can't do on our own.  Friends help us when we are down, and when we are up, and all those shades of grey in between.  I feel so lucky that some of the role models I've had have been four-legged, because there is so much we can learn from their kindness, lack of judgment, and loyalty.  They ask for very little, but give so much.  I hope you all are so lucky to have friends like mine!

Basic needs

I really have no recollection of being an infant.  Thankfully, there are pictures.  And let me tell you...there was a lot of yellow in my wardrobe!  But, I know I was happy and content.  I'm pretty sure it was because my thought process was very simple.  It went something like this...

Am I fed?
Am I clean and dry?
Am I loved?
Are all my basic needs met?

That's it.  As long as these very necessary things were fulfilled, then so was I.  That was all it took back then.  Life happens, we grow up and we have different experiences.  We are prisoners of society.  We are impressionable.  The questions we start to ask in order to be fulfilled begin to take on a long laundry list.  And when you have to answer "yes" to 100 questions in order to be fulfilled, things start to get tough.  We are ultimately setting ourselves up, aren't we?  The questions get deeper, more complex, and hard to say "yes" to.  We ask...

Am I good enough?  Thin enough?  Strong enough?  Fast enough?  Do people like me?  Do I have enough money?  Does this match?  Do these pants make me look like I have a muffin top?  Where can I get a delicious organic chicken?  Is my car fuel efficient?  Are these people my real friends?  Should I buy a house in this economy?  What is my next race?  Where am I spiritually?  Should I swim, bike or run today?  Do I have cervical cancer again?  What if my loved one passes on?  Do I ever want a child?  Where the heck did I put my car keys?!  The list goes on.  Everyone's is slightly different, but they are all the same.  Complicated questions with no absolute answer.

We start living with anxiety, worry, and a constant sense of not living up to what our lives "should" be.  It's nearly impossible to live a happy life trying to answer these questions that are always bubbling up.  You want so desperately to answer them all, but it's not gonna happen.  So let's spin it. 

What if...we went back to those basic needs and based our lives on the answers to those very simple questions?  What if you were able to say "yes" to every one of them?  Could you stop worrying and wondering and pondering and just LIVE YOUR LIFE SIMPLY? 

Let's try it.

Am I fed?  YES!  I am fed so well.  In fact, I haven't wanted for a meal since a few weeks ago when I had to fast for labwork.  Winning!  My main concern is not eating too much.  Basic need #1 met.  Happy girl.

Am I clean and dry?  Every day!  Okay, well, I do work out a lot and tend to sweat buckets, but I am always able to take a shower, get clean and dry and sleep in a warm house and a nice bed.  Basic need#2 met.  Happy girl.

Am I loved?  More than I ever thought possible.  In fact, at times I am overwhelmed by the amount of love in my life.  Not a bad "problem" to have.  Basic need #3 met.  Happy girl.

Are all my basic needs met?  I have a roof over my head, I have the means to remain warm, dry and fed and I am loved immensely.  Basic needs met.  Happy girl.

Throw the others questions out.  I'm not saying you shouldn't visit some more "mature" questions from time to time, but if everyone would be willing to base their happiness and success in life based of those very simple questions, I think we'd all feel more grateful, more fulfilled and most of all...HAPPY.  Happiness can be quite simple...if we let it be! 

It's more than an Ironman

I am an Ironman.  I belong to an elite group of athletes who have the honor of saying this.  And since returning from Ironman, many people have asked me to share my journey.  I have tried numerous times to articulate that day, but I believe that words will ever do it justice.  The reason I attempted Ironman was for it's enormity, and I guess I got what I asked for.  It was so huge, in so many ways, that unless you've done those 140.6 miles, it's really hard to explain.  But let me try...

Let's start at the beginning.  No, not the swim start.  The beginning.  In July of 2012 when I volunteered just to get a spot.  I had been competing in sprint triathlons.  I came to win.  But Ironman lived in me.  I had known of it since my parents had done triathlons decades before me.  I knew how enormous it was.  And I had heard the stories, seen the videos of Kona, and was envious of this effort.  I wanted a shot at the Ironman status.  Patience is not a strong suit, so I decided I'd give it a go.  Now.  Why wait?  Lot's a people questioned me.  Have you done an Olympic?  No.  A 70.3?  No.  A century ride?  Nope.  A marathon?  No.  OK...a half marathon?  Again, no.  So, let's get this straight.  You have done a sprint triathlon and now you are going to attempt an Ironman?  And the answer was YES.  Because when I want something, I commit to it and I make it happen.  I didn't listen to anyone who wanted to tell me it was kind of unheard of to do this.  I believed I could.  The thing is, I didn't care to do an Olympic, 70.3, marathon.  I just wanted to do an Ironman.  So I signed up and was on my way.

My journey started with the greatest of intentions.  I'm a planner and had every step mapped out.  Like a well-oiled machine, I would conquer this in true Blue fashion.  I would build up my distances slowly, and focus on my general health the entire time.  It seemed to be simple enough.  I didn't say easy, I said simple.  Haha.

And then I hit every single obstacle I could manage to hit.  Like taking your bike out for a nice, smooth spin and then you realize it's just a bunch of potholes.  One is manageable, two are annoying, three you might flat and fix it.  But after several, you wonder why the hell you even begun.  And if it's going to be like this, maybe you should just go home and forget the whole thing.  But failure isn't an option, and being stubborn is one of my best(and worst) traits.  So every obstacle fueled my fire.  And gave me a reason to be proud.  I would just wonder at times, what's next?  And I began to almost look forward to my next obstacle.  I got tough.  I got really tough. 

I learned that every obstacle is a crossroads.  You pick your next path.  So every obstacle was just another opportunity to re-assess and switch my path if need be.   It helped that I had people who had decided to come along on my journey.  When you are the captain of a ship, and you feel like people are looking to you, you will not be the weak one.  And though there were times when I had no idea what I was doing, and I felt like I might be so off, I continued to sail my ship until I figured it out.  Having people around me, supporting me, really made me look into myself and decide to handle things with grace.  No one wants to look up to a crying, babbling, unsure idiot.  I began to conduct myself with grace, courage, and pride.  I would sail this Ironman ship!

The training was hard.  So hard.  Most days I worked out at least twice, and some days I would leave at 7am and get home at 4pm.  Long days.  Lots of sacrifice, in more ways than you ever could have imagined.  My recovery days turned in to what a normal person might do in a week.  Recovery ride=you ONLY have to ride for 5 hours.  Thanks a lot.  Nutrition becomes your fourth discipline.  And you learn to value your body as a fuel source.  When you eat, you eat for your next ride or run.  You are less concerned with calories, and more concerned about what KIND of calories they are.  I have never taken care of my body like that.  It was an honor, actually.  Most of all, a lot of time spent alone.  A lot of long rides, runs, swims with the person who you tend to neglect the most...yourself.  You get to know who you are, who you want to be.  A lot of questions you never had cared to delve into, surface.  And you have hours to figure it out.  For a while, you can silence the questions.  But then you play along.  You think, let's go there.  Let's figure this out.  What else am I doing on this bike for six hours?  And the question that I finally answered was, who do you want to be?

Arizona, November 17 and I am in the water at the start line of the swim of Ironman.  I had worked for a year and a half to show up here.  To be in this very moment.  For my shot at Ironman.  And I had been thrown off-course, tripped, beaten down, resurrected, and patched up numerous times.  And I had persevered and  made it to this exact moment.  And I was faced with this huge, enormous, great, awesome day.  Ironman.  And as I was at the swim start, in the very front row, among 2500 others who came to play, I was confronted with that question again.  WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE?

I swam with ease, I rode with a smile, and I ran with gratitude.  Every single step.  If you were witness to this journey, you saw it.  I never looked like I was suffering.  In fact, I was not.  I was just so freaking happy to have had the opportunity to show up to this amazing opportunity.  And I proved to myself, and those around me, that you can do anything.  ANYTHING, your way.  If you want to do an Ironman and suffer, be my guest.  If you come to race for time, have at it.  That's your journey.  For me, it was about conquering Ironman my way.  My way, with grace and courage.  And, most importantly, with a smile and a huge amount of gratitude.  Ironman was just the icing on the cake.  Everything else...the training, nutrition, journey was the really important part.

I am so grateful for Ironman.  I learned everything about myself.  Everything I wanted and needed to know, but was always to scared to ask, was answered for me.  And now I can answer with honesty...Who do you want to be?  And it's thanks to Ironman for giving me that gift.

Ironman 2013

Almost exactly one year ago, I was in this same room, same time, same goal.  Ironman.  Last year I was here for the opportunity to race.  This year I'm here for the race.  Ironman.  Last year I was not the same person typing this out.  I was not the person I have grown to know and love over this last year.  In fact, that person doesn't exist anymore.  This journey started out as a dream, to chase a goal.  To cross a finish line.  To have the glory, the bragging rights, the tattoo, the confidence that goes with such huge achievements.  It was a self-serving, look-at-me, train hard, race harder, go, go, go kind of attitude.  And Ironman changed all of that for me.  Ironman changed my entire life.  When I show up on Sunday, I am not bringing a year of training.  It's not about that.  It's not about the time, the splits, the physical part.  For me, this is the end and the beginning of a journey.  A journey that showed me who I am.  Who I am capable of being.  Who I want to be. 
If it wasn't for Ironman there is a chance my cervical cancer would have gone undiagnosed until it was more advanced than it already was.  But because of Ironman, it was found and it was treated.  Twice.  In six months.  And in those six months I learned a lot about myself.  I found Reiki.  I found out how to just be.  How to exist in the moment, because that's all we have.  I didn't care all that much that I had cancer.  I cared that it might detour me from Ironman.  But after the second surgery, I did let go of Ironman for a while.  I thought that maybe it wasn't meant to be.  But I bounced back and it led me right back to my training.  Ironman gave me that reason to push through it. 
I never knew how strong, yet weak I could be.  And I never realized how beautiful that combo is.  Weakness isn't weak, it's human.  And it's okay to be vulnerable.  It's okay to rally the troops and have a cry-fest.  It's okay to break down and be broken.  And then it's even more glorious to realize that you can fix it all, and find strength in that.
Ironman became my lifestyle.  It is what I breathed, lived, ate for a year.  I had every frickin' obstacle thrown my way, and I overcame each one.  One by one.  With courage and grace.  And each obstacle made me stronger, and brought me closer to Ironman.  So this race is not just a race, it's so much more than that.  I feel like I know who I am now.  Like, if someone asked me if I know who I am, I could say with certainty, "YES!"  And, honestly, the answer a year ago would've been different.
More than anything, I never knew how much I could be loved.  I started this a year ago, and I told everyone that would listen, thinking that no one would really care about this journey of mine.  After all, it is Class A Crazytrain.  But you all hopped on board when you realized how much it meant to me.  I have never.  Once.  Ever.  Felt so much love, so much support, as I have on this journey.  I can't even begin to write about all the nice things everyone has done.  Every single thing, big and small, led me to this moment.  And I am so grateful.  So humbled.  SO dang proud of everything and everyone who came along for this crazy Ironman ride.  Thank you.  It's the journey, not the destination so in my opinion, I haven't crossed the finish line yet, but I'm already an Ironman!  See you in 140.6 miles. 

It was a bad(GOOD) day...

It was Sunday morning at 7:00 am.  No one was at the gym.  No one was in the pool.  In fact, most people were still warm in their beds.  But here I was, again, at the pool for the first workout of the day.  I was tired, and I had woken up with a sore throat, congestion and phlegm.  Things weren't looking promising.  And I had just put my goggles on.  It was, but many accounts, a bad day.

When you are training for an Ironman, you do not have the convenience of missing a workout.  They are all important.  And when you've been derailed as many times as I have, you show up to every training session.  So the question wasn't, "Should I do my swim today? but rather, "How can I get through this swim today?"  I started my swim and as I warmed up I tried to figure out how this could work.

The plan was 1500 meters, then 1000 meters and finally 500 meters.  A ladder workout, if you will.  And this isn't the hardest workout ever, but that day it might as well have been!  And then as I swam and was counting my meters and they seemed to be going so slowly, I had a thought.  When I really began swimming about 4 years ago, I could hardly do 500 meters, with breaks.  And here I was, getting closer and closer to my first set of 1500 meters.  I think I smiled in the pool.  And I felt proud.  I had come a long way since then.  I had grown, progressed, and become a good swimmer!  Can we ask for much more in life?

I didn't have the best swim that day.  And that's okay.  But every "bad" day is still an opportunity.  On that day I learned that even on the worst day, there is still a light if you seek to find it.  My swim was bad, but my outlook was the best it could have been.  Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!

You might be a triathlete...

Do you remember those "You Might Be A Redneck If..." calendars?  And every day there was a new one.  And some were funny because they were kind of true?  Well, after becoming a triathlete I found there are some things that hold true.  And when I first started racing tris I pretty much promised I would never live up to most of these.  But now, well...

You might be a triathlete if...

*You are concerned with the aerodynamics of everything.  Yes, even your water bottle.
*You wake up at 4 am.  On purpose.
*Your tri bike costs more than your car.
*In fact, you don't even own a car
*People always think you got in to a fight due to the constant marks on your face from your goggles.
*You have cut your hair and/or considered shaving it due to the chlorine damage
*People think you are wearing a laptop on your wrist(it's your GPS)
*You are so thankful that dark nail polish is on trend because all your toenails are black anyway
*You use words like "sponsor" and you don't have an alcohol problem
*All of your vacation days are spoken for due to your race schedule
*You have saved money just to enter an Ironman
*Your freezer has more icepacks than food
*You are on a first-name basis with your doctor.  He doesn't even see you, he just sends you straight to physical therapy.
*You have become angry when someone on your Stava App beats your PR
*Wearing knee high socks is cool.  Because, well, you need compression for recovery!
*Your shoes don't have laces.  They have Yanx or bungee cord
*You have more tan lines than anyone you know
*Your friends...wait, what friends?  It's tri season!
*Snot rockets are cool in your circles.
*You don't remember the last time you actually used a restroom indoors.  Side of the road is cool with me!
*You have passed up a conversation with a riding buddy because your heart rate was getting too low.
*The race director said the water was 64 and you thought, "Yes!  I don't even need a wetsuit now!"
*You passed on that boob job because it looks like a drag to tuck those things in to a wetsuit and/or tri kit.
*You have used the word "free speed" in reference to the letter "T" and the numbers "1 and 2"
*You spent $200 on a race kit, but wouldn't even consider a pair of jeans that $$$
*Speaking of jeans, you've yet to find a pair that fits over your enormous cyclist legs and small waist.
*Must.  Eat.  All.  The.  Time.  Like now.

PLEASE...  I know there are so many more.  So share!  Hit me up.  We can all use a good laugh!

COOKIES FOR SALE!!

As some of you know, I love to eat.  Okay, love is really under-estimating it...it's a passion, really. 

Going in to Ironman training, and also dealing with cervical cancer that won't go away, I was faced with a new challenge.  How will I fuel myself?  I refuse to eat processed foods such as: GUs, gels and most bars.  Hmmmm.  I guess that leaves the option of figuring it out for myself.  So, I put on my thinking cap(it's pink, btw) and decided that I would bake my own "cookies" for fuel.  I knew I would need a little bit of everything, but it couldn't be too processed.  And thus, my little Tri Cookies were born.  And, they have really worked for me!!  I don't experience any GI upset when fueling, and I get just the right amount of nutrients.  Most of all, they are delicious and I feel really good about knowing what's going in to my body.  I have posted the recipe on previous blogs.  It's simple, but it's good, and it's effective.  And since it's worked for me and I'm all excited about it, I thought I'd try something out.

I'm sitting here, in my house, recovering from yet another cervical cancer surgery.  I can't work for a couple weeks and so that means I have no income.  So what can I do to still effect others positively, while keeping myself occupied, and maybe making some money to put towards my Ironman fund? 

I WILL BAKE THESE TRI COOKIES AND SELL THEM!   That's just good for everyone!!

So, here I go!!  It's on!  Stock up on these cookies and eat them for a delicious snack, healthy dessert, or use them as your fuel on long rides or runs.  They are Oatmeal Pumpkin Dark Chocolate Cranberry.  I also add peanut butter for some extra protein.  But you can also get them with out the PB.  Feel free to call, text or email with any other questions.   

Each Tri Cookie has 100 calories, which is as much as a GU or gel.  And, for a limited time...they can be yours for only $1 per cookie!!  That is WAY cheaper than a GU, gel or bar.  And better for you.

Hit me up for your Tri Cookies today at 619-987-7962 or email me at lilredbmw@yahoo.com.  Feel free to pass this on to friends, family, athletes and other cookie enthusiasts!!  Spread the love!

Modern-Day Hippie

Cancer changed me.  I'm not the same person.  That doesn't mean I'm worse off than before.  Quite the opposite, actually.  You can't really say that you are happy for it, but you can look back and be grateful.  I was thinking a lot about this in the time leading up to my most recent surgery.  What changed?  Why?  Will I ever be the same?  Do I love the person I've become?  Have I reached my potential?

I didn't really ask these questions before I was diagnosed.  I sped through my life tied up with a pretty bow and a smile on my face.  Like being on the freeway, I was fast and didn't ever really enjoy the view.  I knew where I was going and I was determined to get there as quickly as possible.  I mean, what other way would you get to where you were going?  And then you hear that awful "C" word and you stop.  Slam on the brakes and you are off that freeway.  Parked on the side of the road, wondering where to go now.  You are forced to hold a mirror up and examine who you are.  How are you going to handle this?  How will this define you?  Who are you?

I took a long look in that mirror and it was apparent that the smile wasn't as genuine as I would have hoped.  I was not the person that I wanted to be.  I had spent so long, going so fast, and stressing out over the most minor things, that I had never stopped to evaluate things.  It was chaos.  And I was so used to the chaos that I wrote it off as being passionate, driven, determined, motivated and Type-A. 

After I was diagnosed and I learned of the treatment, I was all for anything that I could do to help myself.  Things that I would have looked at previously as somewhat odd, alternative or hokey, I was now wide open to.  Like I said, it changes you.  As long as it doesn't hurt you, it's worth a shot.  Because you are desperate at this point.  And that's one of the things I learned about myself during this process.  Be open.  Be open about who you are.  Be open to new ideas.  Be open to alternative ways of thinking.  Because if you are not, you have hindered yourself.  Big time.

The first thing I did was really clean up my diet.  Yes, more than before.  People get really curious, so I'll tell you.  It's super exciting, I'm sure.  I eat whole foods.  Antioxidants are my friend.  If it's not from the ground, I don't eat it.  Cancer thrives on sugars and processed foods.  Soy, dairy, gluten are also not my friends.  So, while some people see these things as a joyous occasion, I see them as the enemy.  I am not going to feed my cancer.  I need to at least try to fuel my body in a positive direction.  I still eat poorly on occasion.  Once a week, I indulge.  It's a balance, and I'm not perfect.  But people don't realize how important nutrition is.  You are creating a terrain for things to thrive, survive, heal, power, drive.  I have learned that I need to set myself up to succeed in this area.  And, man, it is fun to learn how to cook things that are nutritious, beautiful and healthy!!

The next thing I did was visit a Reiki energy healer.  That changed my life.  If you had told me about that 5 years ago, I would have called you a hippy and chuckled.  Not that it's bad, but it was never really my style.  I mean, I went through a "phase" in middle school, but let's not go there;)  But when you are stuck on the side of the road, and you don't know where to go, anything is better than sitting there wondering what you can do.  You make an attempt to move forward in any way you can.  And for me, that was Reiki.  It stopped me.  Do you know it is possible to move, forward, slowly?  You don't have to go fast all the time.  You can get off the freeway, and take side streets and see all kinds of cool things.  You can slow down, and you can learn who you really are.  You can slow down, and still be YOU.  Slowing down, despite popular opinion, does not mean you are stunted.  Slowing down means you are willing to take the time to learn who you are, and strive to reach your true potential.  You will never do that moving at 80mph on the freeway.

After becoming a modern day hippie, I learned to meditate and I now do it every day.  How do people get through life with out meditating?  I will never know.  It has given me the gift of time, reflection, focus and mind control.  I thought I could control my mind before.  No, I was out of control.  Meditation is really one of the most important exercises I do every day.  We all focus so much on the vessel we live in, how our bodies look, but we neglect our mind.  So, I make it a point to make time to work out my mind.  If you think about it, throughout your day you are filled up with so many things.  Stress from work, spouses, children, etc.  Your "Inbox" fills up.  And unless you can empty it at the end of the day, it will just keep filling and filling until it's overwhelming and you crash.  Meditating is my way of letting things go, so that I can move on to the next day clear and free.

Those are the major changes I made.  Perspective.  Learning more about ME.  Who am I?  Who do I want to be?  Have a reached my true potential?  I still don't completely know, but I am on my way.  Sometimes, you take the freeway, and other times you take the side streets.  There's a time for both.  As long as you are moving forward, you will never steer yourself wrong.   

Pants off, postive attitude on...

The last time I had to have surgery for cervical cancer I looked back on it and I was grateful.  I learned so much about myself, and I grew more than I thought I could.  I learned patience, compassion and I learned more about love.  Love for myself, mostly.  I know how to love another, but loving yourself can be the hardest part.  So, lesson learned. 

When I found out a few weeks ago that the cancer had either not been removed successfully, or it had returned with a vengeance, I couldn't believe it.  Everything happens for a reason, right?  So, I got cervical cancer for a reason and I found out what that reason was.  Why am I being faced with this again?  I learned my lesson.  I don't need more practice!  But, that's only my opinion...

Walking in to an oncology office was surreal.  There was coffee, and a tea station, and Jolly Ranchers.  Walking back to the bathroom, you see people sitting in leather recliners receiving chemo.  The bathroom is gorgeous.  And none of it makes up for the fact that you have to be there in the first place.  In the beautiful lobby, people are sharing cancer stories, and you think, "I don't belong here."  But, you're here for a reason.  And you are about to find out why. 

Waiting to see an oncologist is a very scary thing.  Attempting to live in the present, I pretty much denied it until the day of.  But, really, it was like having mail at your house, addressed to you, with your fate inside....and you can't touch it for weeks.  And when you finally arrive, you are surrounded by something that is so much larger than you.  I sat there, waiting, for two hours.  I got smaller and smaller as the time went on.  As I got smaller, I also got hungrier and no one seemed to understand the severity of that situation.  If you know me, you understand that we might be dealing with a larger problem, but hunger will not help.  In order to occupy myself, I turned on Pandora and would you believe the song that came on?  Bob Marley, Three Little Birds.  "Singin' don't worry, about a thing.  'Cause every little thing's gonna be alright."  Jeff and I looked at each other in disbelief.

I'm getting used to meeting doctors with no pants on.  You'd think it's not normal, but it's becoming a pretty standard practice for me.  Basically, keeping all the technicalities aside, I go in for another surgery on July 17th.  The oncologist will use a more specialized, tricky and advanced technique in an attempt to remove it all, for good, this time.  She will also do more biopsies to see if it has spread.  And if it has, well, then it's time for a hysterectomy.  But for now, I got the best news possible.  No chemo, no radiation, no hysterectomy(yet).  The doctor doesn't want me to do anything for two weeks.  After three, she said I can go back to my "normal" training.  Funny thing, that when you are training for an Ironman, you have to really specify what your training routine is like.  So, here I am, no pants on, and I'm asking when I can return to my normal workout routine.  "At the END of three weeks."  "So, by 'normal' I mean working out like 4 hours a day.  Is that okay?"  And you can tell she was thinking, "Why would anyone want to do that?"  But instead she politely responded with, "As long as you are feeling up to it, then yes."  I almost gave her a hug.  She also complimented me on my legs, which almost made it worth it that I had to have them off.  Again.

I keep getting asked the same questions, so I will address them here.  How am I feeling?  I don't know.  I feel frustrated sometimes, but mostly I feel like here I am again.  And I can't tell you why, and even if I could it wouldn't matter, would it?  What am I going to do now?  Well, now, I am going in for surgery on Wednesday and then I will focus on recovering.  Day by day.  I will do what my body tells me.  If I can go back to work in a week, then I would love to.  If I can start walking, hiking and cycling within a couple weeks, I will.  If I am in pain, I will slow it down.  I will listen to my body.  The biggest question is...Will I still do Ironman?  Hey, your guess is as good as mine!  I'm going to have to see how my recovery goes.  I hope that Ironman is still in the cards for me.  It's going to be a struggle any way at this point.  I will have lost at least three weeks of crucial training time.  Ironman isn't a race you just "suck it up" at.  See, for Ironman you need the training AND the "suck it up."  And I don't need to hear anything about, "Don't give up!  You still have to do Ironman!"  If it's meant to be, and doesn't affect my recovery, then I will.  But, at this point, my focus has to shift from an endurance event I've dreamed of doing, to my health.  My future.  And as much as I love my dream of Ironman, I learned after my last diagnosis that I have to come first.  And it doesn't pay off to have one foot out the door during recovery.  You have to be all in.

I spent most of my life battling.  I lived my life as if I was battling the ocean.  Going the way I thought I was supposed to go.  Just fighting.  And now, well, I learned to surf...if you will.  You give me a wave and I'll ride it.  I go with the flow.  If I'm pulled under, I'm calm.  I know I will breathe again.  And through this all, the best I can do is go with the flow, and enjoy the ride.  I can't control a lot of this.  But I can control how I choose to handle this.  And I choose to handle it with grace, love and patience.  Perspective.  Perspective.   

I want a freaking COOKIE!

There's a few things I won't do.  I will not go to bed with out washing my face.  I will not begin my day with out breakfast.  I will not go to bed with out praying/meditating.  I will not wash my car with out washing the wheels.  I will not show up to anything and half-ass it.  And I WILL NOT go with out dessert.  Nope.  Life's too short.  I wanna freaking cookie.

So, things got challenging when I decided to clean up my nutrition.  What the heck do you eat for dessert.  I bought extra fruit and tried to jazz it up by adding cinnamon.  No.  I'm sorry.  That is not dessert for this girl.  I tried to go with out.  And, you know what?  I got irritated.  It really bothered me that I was putting in all this hard work, just to deprive myself of dessert.  I'm sure for some people it's fine.  They don't care or they really think fruit is a dessert(don't lie to yourself, it's good, but it is not dessert).  I decided to get crafty.  I kept it my secret(Shanen is in on it), but I'm going to share.  I hope you enjoy as much as I do!  Feel free to mix it up and try different combos(as I have) and come up with your own.  I know that this is not fruit, and it does have "unnatural" sugar, and some flour.  But, in my opinion, it is much better than a ton of butter, sugar, dairy and crap.  And, most importantly....IT'S DELICIOUS!  And when I say delicious, I say that as a baker, not a nutritious triathlete.  So, trust me...

PUMPKIN OATMEAL DARK CHOCOLATE CRANBERRY COOKIES

3 cups oats(steel cut or old-fashioned, gluten free, but NOT quick oats)
1/2 cup flour(I use as little as possible and you can use a gluten free option)
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1 cup pumpkin(canned or fresh and pureed)
3/4 c brown sugar
3/4 granulated sugar(I use less)
2 eggs
1 tbsp vanilla
1 tbsp or less of cinnamon
1 dash of Allspice
1/2 bag of dark chocolate morsels(use more or less to your preference)
1 bag dried cranberries

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Mix all your dry ingredients(oats, flour, baking powder and soda) and stir.  I put the bowl in the fridge while I mix everything else.

Mix pumpkin, sugars, eggs, vanilla.  Then add spices.  Incorporate dry ingredients slowly and then add cranberries and dark chocolate.

Divide mix by tablespoons on to a baking sheet(I line mine with parchment paper) and pop them in to the oven for about 12-15 minutes or until slightly golden.  I prefer mine soft, so I don't bake them as long.  Ovens vary.

ENJOY!!  These are delicious, and as far as a cookie goes, not too bad for you.  So, live it up...eat that freaking cookie!

Bring on the rain

I need you with me on this one.  I need you to think of every single cuss word in history in any language you know them in.  Go ahead and begin.  Now......

Wow.  I'm impressed.  I didn't think you knew that many.  Now go wash your mouth out.  Okay, but seriously here's what's up...

I noticed a lump on my foot about three weeks ago.  It doesn't really hurt, but I can feel the tendon rub on the area and it's slightly tender.  Mostly, it's obnoxious and unsightly and lives on the doral(top) side of my foot, right above the arch.  I iced it.  Left it alone.  Ignored it.  Prayed about it.  Ignored it more.  Finally, I made a doctor's appointment and reluctantly went to see what my new issue might be.  But, I was hopeful.  I am a hopeful person.

After an X-Ray, the good news is that it's not fractured or structural, really.  It IS, however, a cyst.  A cyst!!  Why?!!!  So, with cysts, they can hang out for a while and not really change.  Or, they can grow and become a problem and need to be surgically removed.  Do you see where I am going with this?  Ironman, anyone?  If the cyst does not grow I might not need surgery.  If it does, I will.  And then I will need to recover.  Again.  From foot surgery.  With less than six months to Ironman Arizona.

Insert cuss words and mini-meltdown here.......................................

I am on a journey to Ironman.  I have been met with many challenges.  Cervical cancer, gastritis, chondromalasia, and now this.  In a very short amount of time.  It's like being on a road that you truly believe in your heart of hearts that you need to be on.  I must get to Ironman and this is my road.  But I keep getting met with potholes, glass, obstacles.  And after a while, you begin to question if this road is the right decision.  I have doubts.  I feel like maybe what I thought was my destiny is not actually my destiny.  That maybe I need to reconsider what is important.  Is Ironman so important that I am willing to completely break down for it?  If these obstacles keep coming at me, is this a sign to back off?  Is the universe trying to steer me in another direction?  Am I being so stubborn to not even consider hanging up my Ironman hat?  What are my true reasons for this journey?  How important is it to continue this? 

I cried to my mom.  We talked it out.  She has a beautiful way of just being a sounding board.  It's like throwing a ball against a wall, and you get it back, but in a different way than you threw it.  You begin with one thought, and then you hear it in a different way coming back to you.  Okay.  Maybe that makes no sense to you.  But if you knew my mom, you would get it.  The wheels in my mind began to turn.  Easton mentioned in the form of running to his leash that we needed to hit the road to process this information.

We headed out and something funny happened.  I ran.  That alone is funny because I am still resting my knee and every time I try to run it hurts.  The other funny thing is how SLOWLY I was running.  It must have been comical to watch me just jogging along.  Trotting.  Kind of bouncing in a forward motion.  But my knee didn't hurt too badly.  And I felt hopeful.  I felt hopeful again.  I jogged for almost fifty minutes and all the negative(fine, most of the negative) wound up on the road.  At the end of my "run" as if on cue, one of the songs that always resonates with me came on my iPod...

Another day has almost come and gone
I can't imagine what else could go wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away
Somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost, but not the war
'Cause tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
SO BRING ON THE RAIN...

It's almost like the hard times circle 'round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
And I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but I'm not dead (no)

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

No I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight ('cause)
Tomorrow's another day
And I am not afraid
So bring on the rain
I might be getting hit hard.  It's okay.  I can take it.  I am not one to back down from a challenge or give up on a dream.  And, tomorrow IS another day.  As long as I am breathing, I am LIVING, and I am not giving up on myself.  Bring on the rain.  

Who stands next to you?

Me, me, me, me...sung in a melodic tone.  As if it were a song.  There's been a running joke between my dad and me.  "Hi, Dad.  How's it going?"  "Good.  But how are YOU?  Let's talk about YOU."  And then we do.  It's been that way for a long time.  I'm not saying it's a good thing.  But it's been that way for as long as I've known.  I don't really like to share the spotlight.  I like to talk about my accomplishments because I'm proud of them.  I work hard for them.  I toot my own horn.  I'm selfish.  I know it.  I'm working on it!!  Recently I have been really wanting to acknowledge others.  I want to hear about their journey.  It's not all about me.  Because with out my loved ones, I'm not ME.  And so, Jeff, this goes out to you.  I hope all of you have your own "Jeff" at home. 

Everyone thinks I "wear the pants" in our relationship. This is true.  And so not true.  The thing is, Jeff normally just doesn't care.  It's not worth a fight to argue over what's for dinner.  So if I decide I really want turkey he goes with it, because...whatever!  It's food.  As long as it is classified as food, Jeff is good.  When it is Sunday and we have the day off together and I ask him what we should do he will shrug.  Because the important part to him is not the activity, but that we are doing it together.  So, yes, I make a lot of the decisions that are simple, but the important things go to Jeff.  Because he is the real "mind" of our relationship.  And I know with 100% confidence, that he would never steer us wrong.  He's the driver.

Since opening my eyes to what's around me, I have really begun to appreciate people in my life.  And feel so grateful for my friends and family.  All that they are.  All that they do.  You know who you are.  Jeff is someone who tops my list.  Sometimes maybe you take things for granted, or you just don't truly understand until you see what's going on around you.  Like my triathlons.  Jeff has never once missed one.  Ever.  In fact, if he couldn't be there, I might not go!  It is THAT important.  He is my secret weapon.  But he is something that most never even know about.  He's so unassuming.  He's never wanted that attention.  He's glad to turn it over to me.

When I do well in a triathlon, most would assume it was MY hard work.  MY dedication to training, nutrition, MY mind/body connection.  ME, ME, ME.  But it's not.  Everything I do has something to do with that man standing next to me.  Everything.  He is my ticket.  He is involved in every aspect.  With out him, I would not be where I am.  Being such an independent person, I never thought I could speak of someone like this.  But, it's Jeff.  He does it with out even trying.  He does it just like he breathes.  And never once, never, has he asked for anything in return.  He has never tooted his own horn.  Never asked for a pat on the back, or recognition. 

We have become a well-oiled machine in regards to my triathlons.  Some might even find it impressive the system that has been worked out.  We joke that he is my race sherpa, but that would really be downplaying the whole thing.  I can pack my bag, but he knows everything that needs to go in it and can go through a mental check list quicker than your average bear.  I have to have a physical checklist, but Jeff can power through his stored mental check list with ease.  And as he goes through it, I am checking my bag...checking it twice.  And then once more in the morning.  Jeff carries his own backpack, containing things that don't go in transition, such as my wetsuit, goggles, compression socks for after the race, chapstick and my creatine.  He knows when to remind me to take my creatine, and reminds me of the time I need to put on my wetsuit.  He has checked and tuned up my bike the night before.  I know he looks long and hard for glass or other sharp objects in my tires.  He wakes up early to check my tire's air pressure and put the bike in the truck.  And I can sleep the night before knowing that I have the one person I trust the most right with me.

The morning of the race he knows all the questions to ask, and not ask.  He is always calm.  His energy sets the tone of the day.  I am always nervous and excited.  I always look to him, knowing that everything has been taken off my plate, except the actual race.  That's ALL I do.  I show up and I perform, I race.  Jeff does everything else.  He knows everything about me and what I need.  He knows every silly quirk and neurosis I have.  He knows what I have to have for dinner the night before.  He knows I need espresso in the morning.  He knows the time I take my creatine.  He knows when I finish I need chapstick before water.  He reminds me to sit down and ice my knee...like now.  He has it so coordinated that I just show up.  His job seems like the real challenge.  But he does it with ease, and grace.  Like a pro.  And why?  For what reason?  Because he loves me SO much that he is willing to set me up to succeed.  And then he stands there clapping as I collect my award.  When it is him who deserves recogntion.  But he does this for ME.  It's not because I make him.  It's not a delegation.  It's not about who "wears the pants."  You know what it's about?  It's about being in an awesome relationship, with my best friend, who is so dedicated to my happiness.  It's about being on the best team in the world.

So, I guess that's it.  The secret's out.  Cat's out of the bag.  I'm not really that awesome on my own.  It's not really all about ME, ME, ME.  Because everything I am, and all that I can do, is a direct result of the man that I stand next to.      

The way to win is to go SLOW?

There's this idea, a notion, that if you want to go fast you need to go, well, fast.  And if you can train fast and then show up and race fast then you are fast.  And then you can win your race.  This has always been my belief because it seems like a very simple notion.  Like a basic mathematical equation.  2+2=4.  Train fast+race fast=Fast enough to podium.  Duh, right?

So I have trained fast and I have shown up to my races and always done well enough to podium.  And I was working so hard and putting so much pressure on myself.  I got cervical cancer, and then I injured my knee.  In fact, I don't recall a time when I wasn't injured in some way.  So, I was enlightened.  If you are interested in the specifics on this, contact me and I'll share...it's way too much for a blog!  But after this enlightenment, I changed completely.  I did a 180.  Because what was going on in my life wasn't working!  But, man, I was trying to make it work so badly.  I was trying my best to put that square peg in a round hole.  And then getting so upset when it didn't work out.  I was training so hard, pushing my body to go faster, harder, longer.  I was testing my mental toughness in order to push these physical limits.  And when it all failed, and everything was falling apart, I finally woke up.  And I looked around.  And I took a look at myself and I didn't like what I was seeing.  I wanted to be someone else.  So I made a change.

The first thing I did was make a conscious effort to forgive myself.  I forgave myself for not being perfect.  I know that might sound ridiculous(it is), but it was my truth.  I lived for perfection, and my training and racing wound up being a measure of how "perfect" I could be.  And what a relief to not have any pressure to be perfect!!  How wonderful to be a flawed, unique, quirky individual.  I am Denice, and I am by no measure, perfect.  And I am darn proud of it!  Once that was done, I promised to start slowing down and listening to my body.  When it gave me a message(slow down, rest, push harder here, you got this, don't do this, do that...) I began to listen.  I would go a day with out working out(what?!) because my knee ached too badly.  I listened and became so tuned in to my body that it's like we are in sync now.  Before, it was just this crazy mind of mine saying, "Go, go, go!"  Now my mind checks in with my body and we compromise.  We are a team.

The final thing I did was realize that things are going to be exactly what they are meant to be.  And I can fight that, and lose.  Or I can go with the flow and not stress too much about it.  So, I get injured, and I rest.  I am able to push harder in the swim, so I do.  I have a ton of medical bills, so I pay what I can.  Things get stressful at work, and you work with what you have.  I don't worry too much anymore about other people's journey.  It's theirs, not mine.  My energy is focused, and calm and it's the exact kind of person I am so proud of.

Today, at Spring Sprint Triathlon, I showed up with little expectations.  I showed up mainly because I wanted that exciting energy, and I wanted to see my friends and family and I really needed to see my sister accomplish what generations before her had...her first triathlon!  But I had not trained for this.  I had been resting my knee for weeks and hadn't run hard in months.  My swim was good, my bike still rocked, but the run?  What run?  So I was there to do my best, and that's it.

I took a moment before I began my swim and I just let go.  Literally, I let go and just floated in the water and got my body/mind in sync.  I slowed down for a moment.  And I was just grateful.  Once the swim started I began to perform, and when I realized I wasn't as fast as last season, I was okay with that.  I didn't beat myself up.  Because...nothing was going to change that at that very moment.  But I was still swimming and doing it well.  On the bike, I was going so fast I was impressing myself!  And in between gasps for breath I kept saying, "Good job, good job, good job."  I might have looked crazy, but that postive energy helped me feel so good about what I was doing at that very moment.  By the time I got to the run, I was feeling pretty good!

Oh, the run.  I kicked it in the beginning, going out strong.  But it's always at the run that my little monsters come out and taunt me.  Why aren't you running faster?  This pace won't get you first.  Why can't you be a better runner?  You really do suck at this running thing.  And step by step that voice of you-need-to-be-perfect gets louder, stronger, meaner, and more demanding.  On occasion, tempting me to just phone it in.  That voice never showed up.  It no longer exists.  When things get tough, my body and mind are so in sync and so kind that we have a chat.  Maybe a little tea party, if you will, to discuss the plan.  Today when it was getting tough(as it always does), I asked myself, "If you knew you would not podium today, would you not give your all?  Or would you still go out and do your best?"  Well, I think you know the answer.  I finsished and it was not my best finish, but I was proud of the WAY I raced.  I raced calm, positive, kind. 

The way to win your race is to slow down.  Slow down to listen, to observe, to be positive, to be kind.  Slow down long enough to get your mind and body to work as a team.  Then, you will have won, no matter your "placement" is in your race.  What is a placement?  What does second place mean?  First place?  It means that if you want to live your life comparing yourself to others, then here is your number.  But the true measurement of your life will never be defined by that.  And at this point in my life I am so happy that I have realized that if I ever want to be a winner, it needs to be for myself, my journey, my life, not just for a race. 

Today, I placed third at Spring Sprint Triathlon, but the thing is...I won MY race.  

You know what you SHOULD do?

If you would listen to me long enough, I could solve all your problems, I am sure.  I have spent a large amount of my time on this earth messing up.  Because of this, I have learned.  A lot.  Like, a LOT.  And mostly the hard way.  So, if given the opportunity, I would like to share so that you don't have to make the same mistake.  It's like getting a free answer on a quiz.  Let me give you a "freebie."

Recently, I have been on a real journey.  With my recent cervical cancer, abdominal whatever-it-is(they still haven't diagnosed anything), and on-going sports injuries, I have been changing and growing day by day.  Every day has seemed like several days as I grow and learn more about myself.  I am currently gluten-free, soy-free, dairy-free and sugar-free.  This is a trial and I MIGHT add some of these back on occasion, but right now I am really enoying it.  People ask what I eat.  I eat whole foods.  I eat food that fuels my body and doesn't destroy my cells and create an inflammation process in my body.  I eat fruits, veggies, meat, potatoes.  I eat wonderful, beautiful foods.  And my body thanks me.  Then I see people posting about all the Oreos and fast food that they can eat because they work out.  And that really gets to me.  I want to tell them what they should do.  They should be nice to their body, and fuel it right.  They should be eating well, especially if they are working out. 

I used to try a lot in relationships, even when they weren't right for me.  I would try and try and put in all this effort for a person who didn't care all that much.  I wanted to give people chances.  I ended up hurt.  I ended up wasting a lot of time, and energy.  So, when I see someone on that path, I want to tell them what they should do.  They should let go so they can find what's right.  They should love themselves, and trust themselves enough to let go, and move on.

I am a certified personal trainer.  I understand the Law of Thermodynamics and I understand biomechanics.  I know that it is as simple as calories in versus calories out.  It is not about a fad diet, a dangerous fast, or a pill.  It is a LAW.  If you are not losing weight, you are not burning more than you are taking in
.  Period.  People should know that.  I have injured myself enough that I know what has worked, what has not worked and what was worthless.  So, when people are talking about crazy workouts, weird diets and sports injuries I am compelled to tell them what they should do.

My latest journey has been my mind-body connection.  Getting my mind to work with my body to heal itself.  I believe this is my most powerful tool.  I have spent my life running around, pushing my limits, racing, and being chaotic.  I have been so motivated that I have injured not only my body, but my mind.  I have learned and programmed myself to not listen to the messages my body sends.  I feel no pain.  I must go harder.  I must not listen.  Don't stop.  And now, I am a new person.  This is the hardest thing I may have done to date.  I am working literally every second to get my mind right.  To love myself enough to listen.  To tune in.  To hear every message.  To love myself.  To believe in and trust who I am now.  Not yesterday, not tomorrow.  This very moment in time that I am receiving.  I am learning how to be a human BEING, not a human DOING.  I know that in order to get faster, I must learn to slow down.  I know that I have the answers, but I have to slow down and listen in order to receive them.  So, when I see someone being hard on themselves, or living for tomorrow, or getting so stressed over something so tiny, I want to tell them what they should try.  I want to say that you should look around, you should enjoy the day.  We are all suffering in some way.  But the wise ones learn to recognize the good, and turn away the bad.

Here's the thing.  I can only focus on my journey.  I can't spend any more time worrying about letting the world know what I think they should do.  Maybe I am right, but it's not for me to say.  Who am I to carry around the weight of everyone else's lives?  I love to help, and that's the only reason I share these things, but no one really needs unsolicited advice.  I can't tell anyone what they should do, unless they ask. You know that "freebie" on the test?  It might be free, but isn't it worth a lot more if you earned it yourself?     

Good luck on your luck...

Good luck.  What bad luck.  Luck.  You have lucky genes.  You are so lucky.  Man, what bad luck you've been having.  I have grown to despise this word over the past couple years.  I don't believe in luck.  I believe that things are exactly the way they are supposed to be.  And even more than that, I believe you have a say in it.

Take for example, my recent diagnosis of cervical cancer.  I heard so often that I had bad luck.  Then, one week after my surgery, I wound up in the ER with gastritis.  After that, I got sick for two weeks.  Then, to add insult to injury, I injured my knee on a run.  And all of this can be chalked up to bad luck?  Not in my world.  The way I choose to see it, it's all happening for a reason.  Maybe I don't know exactly why, but I would go mad if I just blamed it on bad luck.  If it's just bad luck, then I wouldn't learn anything.  It wouldn't be an opportunity...it would just be an unfortunate experience.  Having cancer so early on taught me so much, I will never be able to blog it or explain it.  But, it changed my life for the better.  Because I chose to see it as an opportunity and not just bad luck.

Another example.  When I started doing triathlons, I did well from the very first one.  In fact, I won my age division on my first tri!  And I still hear, to this day, how lucky I am that I do well in these events.  As if I show up and race with no preparation, just luck.  I don't pack all my gear, I just fill my race bag with some luck and wind up on the podium.  No consideration to the blood, sweat and time I have spent training.  It's all luck, right?

Well, truth be told, I don't really buy in to luck, good or bad.  Luck does not define your life.  YOU define your life.  Luck will not dictate your fate in this world.  If you have bad things going on, learn from them.  Take a chance to look and see why these things might be present.  Read the writing on the wall, instead of turning a blind eye.  If you are doing well, soak it up.  It's not luck that got you there...it's YOU and your hard work that got you there.  Luck is fortune (whether bad or good) which occurs beyond one's control, without regard to one's will, intention, or desired result.  Well, I must beg to differ in context to having any luck in my life.  My life is under my control and my results are a product of hard work!  So, next time you hear, "Good luck!" consider responding with, "Luck will have no part in this."  And then go kick ass!