Friday, May 31, 2013

I want a freaking COOKIE!

There's a few things I won't do.  I will not go to bed with out washing my face.  I will not begin my day with out breakfast.  I will not go to bed with out praying/meditating.  I will not wash my car with out washing the wheels.  I will not show up to anything and half-ass it.  And I WILL NOT go with out dessert.  Nope.  Life's too short.  I wanna freaking cookie.


So, things got challenging when I decided to clean up my nutrition.  What the heck do you eat for dessert.  I bought extra fruit and tried to jazz it up by adding cinnamon.  No.  I'm sorry.  That is not dessert for this girl.  I tried to go with out.  And, you know what?  I got irritated.  It really bothered me that I was putting in all this hard work, just to deprive myself of dessert.  I'm sure for some people it's fine.  They don't care or they really think fruit is a dessert(don't lie to yourself, it's good, but it is not dessert).  I decided to get crafty.  I kept it my secret(Shanen is in on it), but I'm going to share.  I hope you enjoy as much as I do!  Feel free to mix it up and try different combos(as I have) and come up with your own.  I know that this is not fruit, and it does have "unnatural" sugar, and some flour.  But, in my opinion, it is much better than a ton of butter, sugar, dairy and crap.  And, most importantly....IT'S DELICIOUS!  And when I say delicious, I say that as a baker, not a nutritious triathlete.  So, trust me...

PUMPKIN OATMEAL DARK CHOCOLATE CRANBERRY COOKIES

3 cups oats(steel cut or old-fashioned, gluten free, but NOT quick oats)
1/2 cup flour(I use as little as possible and you can use a gluten free option)
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1 cup pumpkin(canned or fresh and pureed)
3/4 c brown sugar
3/4 granulated sugar(I use less)
2 eggs
1 tbsp vanilla
1 tbsp or less of cinnamon
1 dash of Allspice
1/2 bag of dark chocolate morsels(use more or less to your preference)
1 bag dried cranberries

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Mix all your dry ingredients(oats, flour, baking powder and soda) and stir.  I put the bowl in the fridge while I mix everything else.

Mix pumpkin, sugars, eggs, vanilla.  Then add spices.  Incorporate dry ingredients slowly and then add cranberries and dark chocolate.

Divide mix by tablespoons on to a baking sheet(I line mine with parchment paper) and pop them in to the oven for about 12-15 minutes or until slightly golden.  I prefer mine soft, so I don't bake them as long.  Ovens vary.

ENJOY!!  These are delicious, and as far as a cookie goes, not too bad for you.  So, live it up...eat that freaking cookie!


Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Bring on the rain

I need you with me on this one.  I need you to think of every single cuss word in history in any language you know them in.  Go ahead and begin.  Now......

Wow.  I'm impressed.  I didn't think you knew that many.  Now go wash your mouth out.  Okay, but seriously here's what's up...

I noticed a lump on my foot about three weeks ago.  It doesn't really hurt, but I can feel the tendon rub on the area and it's slightly tender.  Mostly, it's obnoxious and unsightly and lives on the doral(top) side of my foot, right above the arch.  I iced it.  Left it alone.  Ignored it.  Prayed about it.  Ignored it more.  Finally, I made a doctor's appointment and reluctantly went to see what my new issue might be.  But, I was hopeful.  I am a hopeful person.

After an X-Ray, the good news is that it's not fractured or structural, really.  It IS, however, a cyst.  A cyst!!  Why?!!!  So, with cysts, they can hang out for a while and not really change.  Or, they can grow and become a problem and need to be surgically removed.  Do you see where I am going with this?  Ironman, anyone?  If the cyst does not grow I might not need surgery.  If it does, I will.  And then I will need to recover.  Again.  From foot surgery.  With less than six months to Ironman Arizona.

Insert cuss words and mini-meltdown here.......................................

I am on a journey to Ironman.  I have been met with many challenges.  Cervical cancer, gastritis, chondromalasia, and now this.  In a very short amount of time.  It's like being on a road that you truly believe in your heart of hearts that you need to be on.  I must get to Ironman and this is my road.  But I keep getting met with potholes, glass, obstacles.  And after a while, you begin to question if this road is the right decision.  I have doubts.  I feel like maybe what I thought was my destiny is not actually my destiny.  That maybe I need to reconsider what is important.  Is Ironman so important that I am willing to completely break down for it?  If these obstacles keep coming at me, is this a sign to back off?  Is the universe trying to steer me in another direction?  Am I being so stubborn to not even consider hanging up my Ironman hat?  What are my true reasons for this journey?  How important is it to continue this? 

I cried to my mom.  We talked it out.  She has a beautiful way of just being a sounding board.  It's like throwing a ball against a wall, and you get it back, but in a different way than you threw it.  You begin with one thought, and then you hear it in a different way coming back to you.  Okay.  Maybe that makes no sense to you.  But if you knew my mom, you would get it.  The wheels in my mind began to turn.  Easton mentioned in the form of running to his leash that we needed to hit the road to process this information.

We headed out and something funny happened.  I ran.  That alone is funny because I am still resting my knee and every time I try to run it hurts.  The other funny thing is how SLOWLY I was running.  It must have been comical to watch me just jogging along.  Trotting.  Kind of bouncing in a forward motion.  But my knee didn't hurt too badly.  And I felt hopeful.  I felt hopeful again.  I jogged for almost fifty minutes and all the negative(fine, most of the negative) wound up on the road.  At the end of my "run" as if on cue, one of the songs that always resonates with me came on my iPod...

Another day has almost come and gone
I can't imagine what else could go wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away
Somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost, but not the war
'Cause tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
SO BRING ON THE RAIN...

It's almost like the hard times circle 'round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
And I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but I'm not dead (no)

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

No I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight ('cause)
Tomorrow's another day
And I am not afraid
So bring on the rain
I might be getting hit hard.  It's okay.  I can take it.  I am not one to back down from a challenge or give up on a dream.  And, tomorrow IS another day.  As long as I am breathing, I am LIVING, and I am not giving up on myself.  Bring on the rain.  

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Who stands next to you?

Me, me, me, me...sung in a melodic tone.  As if it were a song.  There's been a running joke between my dad and me.  "Hi, Dad.  How's it going?"  "Good.  But how are YOU?  Let's talk about YOU."  And then we do.  It's been that way for a long time.  I'm not saying it's a good thing.  But it's been that way for as long as I've known.  I don't really like to share the spotlight.  I like to talk about my accomplishments because I'm proud of them.  I work hard for them.  I toot my own horn.  I'm selfish.  I know it.  I'm working on it!!  Recently I have been really wanting to acknowledge others.  I want to hear about their journey.  It's not all about me.  Because with out my loved ones, I'm not ME.  And so, Jeff, this goes out to you.  I hope all of you have your own "Jeff" at home. 

Everyone thinks I "wear the pants" in our relationship. This is true.  And so not true.  The thing is, Jeff normally just doesn't care.  It's not worth a fight to argue over what's for dinner.  So if I decide I really want turkey he goes with it, because...whatever!  It's food.  As long as it is classified as food, Jeff is good.  When it is Sunday and we have the day off together and I ask him what we should do he will shrug.  Because the important part to him is not the activity, but that we are doing it together.  So, yes, I make a lot of the decisions that are simple, but the important things go to Jeff.  Because he is the real "mind" of our relationship.  And I know with 100% confidence, that he would never steer us wrong.  He's the driver.

Since opening my eyes to what's around me, I have really begun to appreciate people in my life.  And feel so grateful for my friends and family.  All that they are.  All that they do.  You know who you are.  Jeff is someone who tops my list.  Sometimes maybe you take things for granted, or you just don't truly understand until you see what's going on around you.  Like my triathlons.  Jeff has never once missed one.  Ever.  In fact, if he couldn't be there, I might not go!  It is THAT important.  He is my secret weapon.  But he is something that most never even know about.  He's so unassuming.  He's never wanted that attention.  He's glad to turn it over to me.

When I do well in a triathlon, most would assume it was MY hard work.  MY dedication to training, nutrition, MY mind/body connection.  ME, ME, ME.  But it's not.  Everything I do has something to do with that man standing next to me.  Everything.  He is my ticket.  He is involved in every aspect.  With out him, I would not be where I am.  Being such an independent person, I never thought I could speak of someone like this.  But, it's Jeff.  He does it with out even trying.  He does it just like he breathes.  And never once, never, has he asked for anything in return.  He has never tooted his own horn.  Never asked for a pat on the back, or recognition. 

We have become a well-oiled machine in regards to my triathlons.  Some might even find it impressive the system that has been worked out.  We joke that he is my race sherpa, but that would really be downplaying the whole thing.  I can pack my bag, but he knows everything that needs to go in it and can go through a mental check list quicker than your average bear.  I have to have a physical checklist, but Jeff can power through his stored mental check list with ease.  And as he goes through it, I am checking my bag...checking it twice.  And then once more in the morning.  Jeff carries his own backpack, containing things that don't go in transition, such as my wetsuit, goggles, compression socks for after the race, chapstick and my creatine.  He knows when to remind me to take my creatine, and reminds me of the time I need to put on my wetsuit.  He has checked and tuned up my bike the night before.  I know he looks long and hard for glass or other sharp objects in my tires.  He wakes up early to check my tire's air pressure and put the bike in the truck.  And I can sleep the night before knowing that I have the one person I trust the most right with me.

The morning of the race he knows all the questions to ask, and not ask.  He is always calm.  His energy sets the tone of the day.  I am always nervous and excited.  I always look to him, knowing that everything has been taken off my plate, except the actual race.  That's ALL I do.  I show up and I perform, I race.  Jeff does everything else.  He knows everything about me and what I need.  He knows every silly quirk and neurosis I have.  He knows what I have to have for dinner the night before.  He knows I need espresso in the morning.  He knows the time I take my creatine.  He knows when I finish I need chapstick before water.  He reminds me to sit down and ice my knee...like now.  He has it so coordinated that I just show up.  His job seems like the real challenge.  But he does it with ease, and grace.  Like a pro.  And why?  For what reason?  Because he loves me SO much that he is willing to set me up to succeed.  And then he stands there clapping as I collect my award.  When it is him who deserves recogntion.  But he does this for ME.  It's not because I make him.  It's not a delegation.  It's not about who "wears the pants."  You know what it's about?  It's about being in an awesome relationship, with my best friend, who is so dedicated to my happiness.  It's about being on the best team in the world.

So, I guess that's it.  The secret's out.  Cat's out of the bag.  I'm not really that awesome on my own.  It's not really all about ME, ME, ME.  Because everything I am, and all that I can do, is a direct result of the man that I stand next to.      

Sunday, May 5, 2013

The way to win is to go SLOW?

There's this idea, a notion, that if you want to go fast you need to go, well, fast.  And if you can train fast and then show up and race fast then you are fast.  And then you can win your race.  This has always been my belief because it seems like a very simple notion.  Like a basic mathematical equation.  2+2=4.  Train fast+race fast=Fast enough to podium.  Duh, right?

So I have trained fast and I have shown up to my races and always done well enough to podium.  And I was working so hard and putting so much pressure on myself.  I got cervical cancer, and then I injured my knee.  In fact, I don't recall a time when I wasn't injured in some way.  So, I was enlightened.  If you are interested in the specifics on this, contact me and I'll share...it's way too much for a blog!  But after this enlightenment, I changed completely.  I did a 180.  Because what was going on in my life wasn't working!  But, man, I was trying to make it work so badly.  I was trying my best to put that square peg in a round hole.  And then getting so upset when it didn't work out.  I was training so hard, pushing my body to go faster, harder, longer.  I was testing my mental toughness in order to push these physical limits.  And when it all failed, and everything was falling apart, I finally woke up.  And I looked around.  And I took a look at myself and I didn't like what I was seeing.  I wanted to be someone else.  So I made a change.

The first thing I did was make a conscious effort to forgive myself.  I forgave myself for not being perfect.  I know that might sound ridiculous(it is), but it was my truth.  I lived for perfection, and my training and racing wound up being a measure of how "perfect" I could be.  And what a relief to not have any pressure to be perfect!!  How wonderful to be a flawed, unique, quirky individual.  I am Denice, and I am by no measure, perfect.  And I am darn proud of it!  Once that was done, I promised to start slowing down and listening to my body.  When it gave me a message(slow down, rest, push harder here, you got this, don't do this, do that...) I began to listen.  I would go a day with out working out(what?!) because my knee ached too badly.  I listened and became so tuned in to my body that it's like we are in sync now.  Before, it was just this crazy mind of mine saying, "Go, go, go!"  Now my mind checks in with my body and we compromise.  We are a team.

The final thing I did was realize that things are going to be exactly what they are meant to be.  And I can fight that, and lose.  Or I can go with the flow and not stress too much about it.  So, I get injured, and I rest.  I am able to push harder in the swim, so I do.  I have a ton of medical bills, so I pay what I can.  Things get stressful at work, and you work with what you have.  I don't worry too much anymore about other people's journey.  It's theirs, not mine.  My energy is focused, and calm and it's the exact kind of person I am so proud of.

Today, at Spring Sprint Triathlon, I showed up with little expectations.  I showed up mainly because I wanted that exciting energy, and I wanted to see my friends and family and I really needed to see my sister accomplish what generations before her had...her first triathlon!  But I had not trained for this.  I had been resting my knee for weeks and hadn't run hard in months.  My swim was good, my bike still rocked, but the run?  What run?  So I was there to do my best, and that's it.

I took a moment before I began my swim and I just let go.  Literally, I let go and just floated in the water and got my body/mind in sync.  I slowed down for a moment.  And I was just grateful.  Once the swim started I began to perform, and when I realized I wasn't as fast as last season, I was okay with that.  I didn't beat myself up.  Because...nothing was going to change that at that very moment.  But I was still swimming and doing it well.  On the bike, I was going so fast I was impressing myself!  And in between gasps for breath I kept saying, "Good job, good job, good job."  I might have looked crazy, but that postive energy helped me feel so good about what I was doing at that very moment.  By the time I got to the run, I was feeling pretty good!

Oh, the run.  I kicked it in the beginning, going out strong.  But it's always at the run that my little monsters come out and taunt me.  Why aren't you running faster?  This pace won't get you first.  Why can't you be a better runner?  You really do suck at this running thing.  And step by step that voice of you-need-to-be-perfect gets louder, stronger, meaner, and more demanding.  On occasion, tempting me to just phone it in.  That voice never showed up.  It no longer exists.  When things get tough, my body and mind are so in sync and so kind that we have a chat.  Maybe a little tea party, if you will, to discuss the plan.  Today when it was getting tough(as it always does), I asked myself, "If you knew you would not podium today, would you not give your all?  Or would you still go out and do your best?"  Well, I think you know the answer.  I finsished and it was not my best finish, but I was proud of the WAY I raced.  I raced calm, positive, kind. 

The way to win your race is to slow down.  Slow down to listen, to observe, to be positive, to be kind.  Slow down long enough to get your mind and body to work as a team.  Then, you will have won, no matter your "placement" is in your race.  What is a placement?  What does second place mean?  First place?  It means that if you want to live your life comparing yourself to others, then here is your number.  But the true measurement of your life will never be defined by that.  And at this point in my life I am so happy that I have realized that if I ever want to be a winner, it needs to be for myself, my journey, my life, not just for a race. 

Today, I placed third at Spring Sprint Triathlon, but the thing is...I won MY race.