There's this idea, a notion, that if you want to go fast you need to go, well, fast. And if you can train fast and then show up and race fast then you are fast. And then you can win your race. This has always been my belief because it seems like a very simple notion. Like a basic mathematical equation. 2+2=4. Train fast+race fast=Fast enough to podium. Duh, right?
So I have trained fast and I have shown up to my races and always done well enough to podium. And I was working so hard and putting so much pressure on myself. I got cervical cancer, and then I injured my knee. In fact, I don't recall a time when I wasn't injured in some way. So, I was enlightened. If you are interested in the specifics on this, contact me and I'll share...it's way too much for a blog! But after this enlightenment, I changed completely. I did a 180. Because what was going on in my life wasn't working! But, man, I was trying to make it work so badly. I was trying my best to put that square peg in a round hole. And then getting so upset when it didn't work out. I was training so hard, pushing my body to go faster, harder, longer. I was testing my mental toughness in order to push these physical limits. And when it all failed, and everything was falling apart, I finally woke up. And I looked around. And I took a look at myself and I didn't like what I was seeing. I wanted to be someone else. So I made a change.
The first thing I did was make a conscious effort to forgive myself. I forgave myself for not being perfect. I know that might sound ridiculous(it is), but it was my truth. I lived for perfection, and my training and racing wound up being a measure of how "perfect" I could be. And what a relief to not have any pressure to be perfect!! How wonderful to be a flawed, unique, quirky individual. I am Denice, and I am by no measure, perfect. And I am darn proud of it! Once that was done, I promised to start slowing down and listening to my body. When it gave me a message(slow down, rest, push harder here, you got this, don't do this, do that...) I began to listen. I would go a day with out working out(what?!) because my knee ached too badly. I listened and became so tuned in to my body that it's like we are in sync now. Before, it was just this crazy mind of mine saying, "Go, go, go!" Now my mind checks in with my body and we compromise. We are a team.
The final thing I did was realize that things are going to be exactly what they are meant to be. And I can fight that, and lose. Or I can go with the flow and not stress too much about it. So, I get injured, and I rest. I am able to push harder in the swim, so I do. I have a ton of medical bills, so I pay what I can. Things get stressful at work, and you work with what you have. I don't worry too much anymore about other people's journey. It's theirs, not mine. My energy is focused, and calm and it's the exact kind of person I am so proud of.
Today, at Spring Sprint Triathlon, I showed up with little expectations. I showed up mainly because I wanted that exciting energy, and I wanted to see my friends and family and I really needed to see my sister accomplish what generations before her had...her first triathlon! But I had not trained for this. I had been resting my knee for weeks and hadn't run hard in months. My swim was good, my bike still rocked, but the run? What run? So I was there to do my best, and that's it.
I took a moment before I began my swim and I just let go. Literally, I let go and just floated in the water and got my body/mind in sync. I slowed down for a moment. And I was just grateful. Once the swim started I began to perform, and when I realized I wasn't as fast as last season, I was okay with that. I didn't beat myself up. Because...nothing was going to change that at that very moment. But I was still swimming and doing it well. On the bike, I was going so fast I was impressing myself! And in between gasps for breath I kept saying, "Good job, good job, good job." I might have looked crazy, but that postive energy helped me feel so good about what I was doing at that very moment. By the time I got to the run, I was feeling pretty good!
Oh, the run. I kicked it in the beginning, going out strong. But it's always at the run that my little monsters come out and taunt me. Why aren't you running faster? This pace won't get you first. Why can't you be a better runner? You really do suck at this running thing. And step by step that voice of you-need-to-be-perfect gets louder, stronger, meaner, and more demanding. On occasion, tempting me to just phone it in. That voice never showed up. It no longer exists. When things get tough, my body and mind are so in sync and so kind that we have a chat. Maybe a little tea party, if you will, to discuss the plan. Today when it was getting tough(as it always does), I asked myself, "If you knew you would not podium today, would you not give your all? Or would you still go out and do your best?" Well, I think you know the answer. I finsished and it was not my best finish, but I was proud of the WAY I raced. I raced calm, positive, kind.
The way to win your race is to slow down. Slow down to listen, to observe, to be positive, to be kind. Slow down long enough to get your mind and body to work as a team. Then, you will have won, no matter your "placement" is in your race. What is a placement? What does second place mean? First place? It means that if you want to live your life comparing yourself to others, then here is your number. But the true measurement of your life will never be defined by that. And at this point in my life I am so happy that I have realized that if I ever want to be a winner, it needs to be for myself, my journey, my life, not just for a race.
Today, I placed third at Spring Sprint Triathlon, but the thing is...I won MY race.
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