Bring on the rain

I need you with me on this one.  I need you to think of every single cuss word in history in any language you know them in.  Go ahead and begin.  Now......

Wow.  I'm impressed.  I didn't think you knew that many.  Now go wash your mouth out.  Okay, but seriously here's what's up...

I noticed a lump on my foot about three weeks ago.  It doesn't really hurt, but I can feel the tendon rub on the area and it's slightly tender.  Mostly, it's obnoxious and unsightly and lives on the doral(top) side of my foot, right above the arch.  I iced it.  Left it alone.  Ignored it.  Prayed about it.  Ignored it more.  Finally, I made a doctor's appointment and reluctantly went to see what my new issue might be.  But, I was hopeful.  I am a hopeful person.

After an X-Ray, the good news is that it's not fractured or structural, really.  It IS, however, a cyst.  A cyst!!  Why?!!!  So, with cysts, they can hang out for a while and not really change.  Or, they can grow and become a problem and need to be surgically removed.  Do you see where I am going with this?  Ironman, anyone?  If the cyst does not grow I might not need surgery.  If it does, I will.  And then I will need to recover.  Again.  From foot surgery.  With less than six months to Ironman Arizona.

Insert cuss words and mini-meltdown here.......................................

I am on a journey to Ironman.  I have been met with many challenges.  Cervical cancer, gastritis, chondromalasia, and now this.  In a very short amount of time.  It's like being on a road that you truly believe in your heart of hearts that you need to be on.  I must get to Ironman and this is my road.  But I keep getting met with potholes, glass, obstacles.  And after a while, you begin to question if this road is the right decision.  I have doubts.  I feel like maybe what I thought was my destiny is not actually my destiny.  That maybe I need to reconsider what is important.  Is Ironman so important that I am willing to completely break down for it?  If these obstacles keep coming at me, is this a sign to back off?  Is the universe trying to steer me in another direction?  Am I being so stubborn to not even consider hanging up my Ironman hat?  What are my true reasons for this journey?  How important is it to continue this? 

I cried to my mom.  We talked it out.  She has a beautiful way of just being a sounding board.  It's like throwing a ball against a wall, and you get it back, but in a different way than you threw it.  You begin with one thought, and then you hear it in a different way coming back to you.  Okay.  Maybe that makes no sense to you.  But if you knew my mom, you would get it.  The wheels in my mind began to turn.  Easton mentioned in the form of running to his leash that we needed to hit the road to process this information.

We headed out and something funny happened.  I ran.  That alone is funny because I am still resting my knee and every time I try to run it hurts.  The other funny thing is how SLOWLY I was running.  It must have been comical to watch me just jogging along.  Trotting.  Kind of bouncing in a forward motion.  But my knee didn't hurt too badly.  And I felt hopeful.  I felt hopeful again.  I jogged for almost fifty minutes and all the negative(fine, most of the negative) wound up on the road.  At the end of my "run" as if on cue, one of the songs that always resonates with me came on my iPod...

Another day has almost come and gone
I can't imagine what else could go wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away
Somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost, but not the war
'Cause tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
SO BRING ON THE RAIN...

It's almost like the hard times circle 'round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
And I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but I'm not dead (no)

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

No I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight ('cause)
Tomorrow's another day
And I am not afraid
So bring on the rain
I might be getting hit hard.  It's okay.  I can take it.  I am not one to back down from a challenge or give up on a dream.  And, tomorrow IS another day.  As long as I am breathing, I am LIVING, and I am not giving up on myself.  Bring on the rain.  

Who stands next to you?

Me, me, me, me...sung in a melodic tone.  As if it were a song.  There's been a running joke between my dad and me.  "Hi, Dad.  How's it going?"  "Good.  But how are YOU?  Let's talk about YOU."  And then we do.  It's been that way for a long time.  I'm not saying it's a good thing.  But it's been that way for as long as I've known.  I don't really like to share the spotlight.  I like to talk about my accomplishments because I'm proud of them.  I work hard for them.  I toot my own horn.  I'm selfish.  I know it.  I'm working on it!!  Recently I have been really wanting to acknowledge others.  I want to hear about their journey.  It's not all about me.  Because with out my loved ones, I'm not ME.  And so, Jeff, this goes out to you.  I hope all of you have your own "Jeff" at home. 

Everyone thinks I "wear the pants" in our relationship. This is true.  And so not true.  The thing is, Jeff normally just doesn't care.  It's not worth a fight to argue over what's for dinner.  So if I decide I really want turkey he goes with it, because...whatever!  It's food.  As long as it is classified as food, Jeff is good.  When it is Sunday and we have the day off together and I ask him what we should do he will shrug.  Because the important part to him is not the activity, but that we are doing it together.  So, yes, I make a lot of the decisions that are simple, but the important things go to Jeff.  Because he is the real "mind" of our relationship.  And I know with 100% confidence, that he would never steer us wrong.  He's the driver.

Since opening my eyes to what's around me, I have really begun to appreciate people in my life.  And feel so grateful for my friends and family.  All that they are.  All that they do.  You know who you are.  Jeff is someone who tops my list.  Sometimes maybe you take things for granted, or you just don't truly understand until you see what's going on around you.  Like my triathlons.  Jeff has never once missed one.  Ever.  In fact, if he couldn't be there, I might not go!  It is THAT important.  He is my secret weapon.  But he is something that most never even know about.  He's so unassuming.  He's never wanted that attention.  He's glad to turn it over to me.

When I do well in a triathlon, most would assume it was MY hard work.  MY dedication to training, nutrition, MY mind/body connection.  ME, ME, ME.  But it's not.  Everything I do has something to do with that man standing next to me.  Everything.  He is my ticket.  He is involved in every aspect.  With out him, I would not be where I am.  Being such an independent person, I never thought I could speak of someone like this.  But, it's Jeff.  He does it with out even trying.  He does it just like he breathes.  And never once, never, has he asked for anything in return.  He has never tooted his own horn.  Never asked for a pat on the back, or recognition. 

We have become a well-oiled machine in regards to my triathlons.  Some might even find it impressive the system that has been worked out.  We joke that he is my race sherpa, but that would really be downplaying the whole thing.  I can pack my bag, but he knows everything that needs to go in it and can go through a mental check list quicker than your average bear.  I have to have a physical checklist, but Jeff can power through his stored mental check list with ease.  And as he goes through it, I am checking my bag...checking it twice.  And then once more in the morning.  Jeff carries his own backpack, containing things that don't go in transition, such as my wetsuit, goggles, compression socks for after the race, chapstick and my creatine.  He knows when to remind me to take my creatine, and reminds me of the time I need to put on my wetsuit.  He has checked and tuned up my bike the night before.  I know he looks long and hard for glass or other sharp objects in my tires.  He wakes up early to check my tire's air pressure and put the bike in the truck.  And I can sleep the night before knowing that I have the one person I trust the most right with me.

The morning of the race he knows all the questions to ask, and not ask.  He is always calm.  His energy sets the tone of the day.  I am always nervous and excited.  I always look to him, knowing that everything has been taken off my plate, except the actual race.  That's ALL I do.  I show up and I perform, I race.  Jeff does everything else.  He knows everything about me and what I need.  He knows every silly quirk and neurosis I have.  He knows what I have to have for dinner the night before.  He knows I need espresso in the morning.  He knows the time I take my creatine.  He knows when I finish I need chapstick before water.  He reminds me to sit down and ice my knee...like now.  He has it so coordinated that I just show up.  His job seems like the real challenge.  But he does it with ease, and grace.  Like a pro.  And why?  For what reason?  Because he loves me SO much that he is willing to set me up to succeed.  And then he stands there clapping as I collect my award.  When it is him who deserves recogntion.  But he does this for ME.  It's not because I make him.  It's not a delegation.  It's not about who "wears the pants."  You know what it's about?  It's about being in an awesome relationship, with my best friend, who is so dedicated to my happiness.  It's about being on the best team in the world.

So, I guess that's it.  The secret's out.  Cat's out of the bag.  I'm not really that awesome on my own.  It's not really all about ME, ME, ME.  Because everything I am, and all that I can do, is a direct result of the man that I stand next to.      

The way to win is to go SLOW?

There's this idea, a notion, that if you want to go fast you need to go, well, fast.  And if you can train fast and then show up and race fast then you are fast.  And then you can win your race.  This has always been my belief because it seems like a very simple notion.  Like a basic mathematical equation.  2+2=4.  Train fast+race fast=Fast enough to podium.  Duh, right?

So I have trained fast and I have shown up to my races and always done well enough to podium.  And I was working so hard and putting so much pressure on myself.  I got cervical cancer, and then I injured my knee.  In fact, I don't recall a time when I wasn't injured in some way.  So, I was enlightened.  If you are interested in the specifics on this, contact me and I'll share...it's way too much for a blog!  But after this enlightenment, I changed completely.  I did a 180.  Because what was going on in my life wasn't working!  But, man, I was trying to make it work so badly.  I was trying my best to put that square peg in a round hole.  And then getting so upset when it didn't work out.  I was training so hard, pushing my body to go faster, harder, longer.  I was testing my mental toughness in order to push these physical limits.  And when it all failed, and everything was falling apart, I finally woke up.  And I looked around.  And I took a look at myself and I didn't like what I was seeing.  I wanted to be someone else.  So I made a change.

The first thing I did was make a conscious effort to forgive myself.  I forgave myself for not being perfect.  I know that might sound ridiculous(it is), but it was my truth.  I lived for perfection, and my training and racing wound up being a measure of how "perfect" I could be.  And what a relief to not have any pressure to be perfect!!  How wonderful to be a flawed, unique, quirky individual.  I am Denice, and I am by no measure, perfect.  And I am darn proud of it!  Once that was done, I promised to start slowing down and listening to my body.  When it gave me a message(slow down, rest, push harder here, you got this, don't do this, do that...) I began to listen.  I would go a day with out working out(what?!) because my knee ached too badly.  I listened and became so tuned in to my body that it's like we are in sync now.  Before, it was just this crazy mind of mine saying, "Go, go, go!"  Now my mind checks in with my body and we compromise.  We are a team.

The final thing I did was realize that things are going to be exactly what they are meant to be.  And I can fight that, and lose.  Or I can go with the flow and not stress too much about it.  So, I get injured, and I rest.  I am able to push harder in the swim, so I do.  I have a ton of medical bills, so I pay what I can.  Things get stressful at work, and you work with what you have.  I don't worry too much anymore about other people's journey.  It's theirs, not mine.  My energy is focused, and calm and it's the exact kind of person I am so proud of.

Today, at Spring Sprint Triathlon, I showed up with little expectations.  I showed up mainly because I wanted that exciting energy, and I wanted to see my friends and family and I really needed to see my sister accomplish what generations before her had...her first triathlon!  But I had not trained for this.  I had been resting my knee for weeks and hadn't run hard in months.  My swim was good, my bike still rocked, but the run?  What run?  So I was there to do my best, and that's it.

I took a moment before I began my swim and I just let go.  Literally, I let go and just floated in the water and got my body/mind in sync.  I slowed down for a moment.  And I was just grateful.  Once the swim started I began to perform, and when I realized I wasn't as fast as last season, I was okay with that.  I didn't beat myself up.  Because...nothing was going to change that at that very moment.  But I was still swimming and doing it well.  On the bike, I was going so fast I was impressing myself!  And in between gasps for breath I kept saying, "Good job, good job, good job."  I might have looked crazy, but that postive energy helped me feel so good about what I was doing at that very moment.  By the time I got to the run, I was feeling pretty good!

Oh, the run.  I kicked it in the beginning, going out strong.  But it's always at the run that my little monsters come out and taunt me.  Why aren't you running faster?  This pace won't get you first.  Why can't you be a better runner?  You really do suck at this running thing.  And step by step that voice of you-need-to-be-perfect gets louder, stronger, meaner, and more demanding.  On occasion, tempting me to just phone it in.  That voice never showed up.  It no longer exists.  When things get tough, my body and mind are so in sync and so kind that we have a chat.  Maybe a little tea party, if you will, to discuss the plan.  Today when it was getting tough(as it always does), I asked myself, "If you knew you would not podium today, would you not give your all?  Or would you still go out and do your best?"  Well, I think you know the answer.  I finsished and it was not my best finish, but I was proud of the WAY I raced.  I raced calm, positive, kind. 

The way to win your race is to slow down.  Slow down to listen, to observe, to be positive, to be kind.  Slow down long enough to get your mind and body to work as a team.  Then, you will have won, no matter your "placement" is in your race.  What is a placement?  What does second place mean?  First place?  It means that if you want to live your life comparing yourself to others, then here is your number.  But the true measurement of your life will never be defined by that.  And at this point in my life I am so happy that I have realized that if I ever want to be a winner, it needs to be for myself, my journey, my life, not just for a race. 

Today, I placed third at Spring Sprint Triathlon, but the thing is...I won MY race.  

You know what you SHOULD do?

If you would listen to me long enough, I could solve all your problems, I am sure.  I have spent a large amount of my time on this earth messing up.  Because of this, I have learned.  A lot.  Like, a LOT.  And mostly the hard way.  So, if given the opportunity, I would like to share so that you don't have to make the same mistake.  It's like getting a free answer on a quiz.  Let me give you a "freebie."

Recently, I have been on a real journey.  With my recent cervical cancer, abdominal whatever-it-is(they still haven't diagnosed anything), and on-going sports injuries, I have been changing and growing day by day.  Every day has seemed like several days as I grow and learn more about myself.  I am currently gluten-free, soy-free, dairy-free and sugar-free.  This is a trial and I MIGHT add some of these back on occasion, but right now I am really enoying it.  People ask what I eat.  I eat whole foods.  I eat food that fuels my body and doesn't destroy my cells and create an inflammation process in my body.  I eat fruits, veggies, meat, potatoes.  I eat wonderful, beautiful foods.  And my body thanks me.  Then I see people posting about all the Oreos and fast food that they can eat because they work out.  And that really gets to me.  I want to tell them what they should do.  They should be nice to their body, and fuel it right.  They should be eating well, especially if they are working out. 

I used to try a lot in relationships, even when they weren't right for me.  I would try and try and put in all this effort for a person who didn't care all that much.  I wanted to give people chances.  I ended up hurt.  I ended up wasting a lot of time, and energy.  So, when I see someone on that path, I want to tell them what they should do.  They should let go so they can find what's right.  They should love themselves, and trust themselves enough to let go, and move on.

I am a certified personal trainer.  I understand the Law of Thermodynamics and I understand biomechanics.  I know that it is as simple as calories in versus calories out.  It is not about a fad diet, a dangerous fast, or a pill.  It is a LAW.  If you are not losing weight, you are not burning more than you are taking in
.  Period.  People should know that.  I have injured myself enough that I know what has worked, what has not worked and what was worthless.  So, when people are talking about crazy workouts, weird diets and sports injuries I am compelled to tell them what they should do.

My latest journey has been my mind-body connection.  Getting my mind to work with my body to heal itself.  I believe this is my most powerful tool.  I have spent my life running around, pushing my limits, racing, and being chaotic.  I have been so motivated that I have injured not only my body, but my mind.  I have learned and programmed myself to not listen to the messages my body sends.  I feel no pain.  I must go harder.  I must not listen.  Don't stop.  And now, I am a new person.  This is the hardest thing I may have done to date.  I am working literally every second to get my mind right.  To love myself enough to listen.  To tune in.  To hear every message.  To love myself.  To believe in and trust who I am now.  Not yesterday, not tomorrow.  This very moment in time that I am receiving.  I am learning how to be a human BEING, not a human DOING.  I know that in order to get faster, I must learn to slow down.  I know that I have the answers, but I have to slow down and listen in order to receive them.  So, when I see someone being hard on themselves, or living for tomorrow, or getting so stressed over something so tiny, I want to tell them what they should try.  I want to say that you should look around, you should enjoy the day.  We are all suffering in some way.  But the wise ones learn to recognize the good, and turn away the bad.

Here's the thing.  I can only focus on my journey.  I can't spend any more time worrying about letting the world know what I think they should do.  Maybe I am right, but it's not for me to say.  Who am I to carry around the weight of everyone else's lives?  I love to help, and that's the only reason I share these things, but no one really needs unsolicited advice.  I can't tell anyone what they should do, unless they ask. You know that "freebie" on the test?  It might be free, but isn't it worth a lot more if you earned it yourself?     

Good luck on your luck...

Good luck.  What bad luck.  Luck.  You have lucky genes.  You are so lucky.  Man, what bad luck you've been having.  I have grown to despise this word over the past couple years.  I don't believe in luck.  I believe that things are exactly the way they are supposed to be.  And even more than that, I believe you have a say in it.

Take for example, my recent diagnosis of cervical cancer.  I heard so often that I had bad luck.  Then, one week after my surgery, I wound up in the ER with gastritis.  After that, I got sick for two weeks.  Then, to add insult to injury, I injured my knee on a run.  And all of this can be chalked up to bad luck?  Not in my world.  The way I choose to see it, it's all happening for a reason.  Maybe I don't know exactly why, but I would go mad if I just blamed it on bad luck.  If it's just bad luck, then I wouldn't learn anything.  It wouldn't be an opportunity...it would just be an unfortunate experience.  Having cancer so early on taught me so much, I will never be able to blog it or explain it.  But, it changed my life for the better.  Because I chose to see it as an opportunity and not just bad luck.

Another example.  When I started doing triathlons, I did well from the very first one.  In fact, I won my age division on my first tri!  And I still hear, to this day, how lucky I am that I do well in these events.  As if I show up and race with no preparation, just luck.  I don't pack all my gear, I just fill my race bag with some luck and wind up on the podium.  No consideration to the blood, sweat and time I have spent training.  It's all luck, right?

Well, truth be told, I don't really buy in to luck, good or bad.  Luck does not define your life.  YOU define your life.  Luck will not dictate your fate in this world.  If you have bad things going on, learn from them.  Take a chance to look and see why these things might be present.  Read the writing on the wall, instead of turning a blind eye.  If you are doing well, soak it up.  It's not luck that got you there...it's YOU and your hard work that got you there.  Luck is fortune (whether bad or good) which occurs beyond one's control, without regard to one's will, intention, or desired result.  Well, I must beg to differ in context to having any luck in my life.  My life is under my control and my results are a product of hard work!  So, next time you hear, "Good luck!" consider responding with, "Luck will have no part in this."  And then go kick ass!

When @#$% gets real

I go to bed early and I wake up before the sun rises.  I have generally worked out for an hour or two before most people have hit snooze on their alarm.  I eat whole foods, no lactose, lean proteins, antioxidants.  I have low body fat, an amazing heart rate and blood pressure.  My blood work is top notch.  I don't drink, don't smoke.  I am healthy.  I am probably one of the healthiest people I know.  I work hard at it every day.  Yet, after an abnormal PAP smear and three painful biopsies, I am the one with cervical cancer.  I am the one going in for emergency surgery to attempt to save my reproductive organs because as my doctor said, "You are so young."  I am the one who will have to endure a 6 week recovery where I am not able to any of the things I love.  Why me?  Well, hey, life's not fair.

I got the news in Ross, shopping for Christmas gifts.  I am sure I turned white, and it's possible I threw up but I can't remember.  As I made my way to the car to talk to the doctor, I just couldn't believe he was talking about me.  And I couldn't believe it was so bad.  After the initial shock, I think I was taking it pretty well.  Jeff came home and we talked about it.  I kept thinking to myself, "Man, you are such a trooper.  Look at you holding it all together so nicely."  But the thing is, sometimes it's really easy to stomach something until you think about what you are facing.  And when you start talking about it and realizing that this is actually happening, to YOU, shit gets real.  And so, I lost it.  I cried about the fact that I had cancer.  And why me?  Why do I have to go through this?  I don't want to go under anesthesia.  I don't want to have a six week recovery.  I don't want any part of this.  This shouldn't be happening to me.  In fact, I hate every single part of this.  And. No. Thanks.

I came to my senses a couple days later.  The fact is this is happening.  To me.  Right now.  I will have to go through surgery January 4th and then I will have to endure a six week recovery of no working out.  Well, that's like telling someone to wake up and not breathe.  Sure, it could be worse, but it could be a lot better.  But, this is my reality.  And whether or not I like it, it's going down.  Post-meltdown, I am looking forward in a positive direction.  I guess I could be super bummed and sit here and wallow, but that's just not me.  All the "what-ifs" and "why-mes" really don't matter at the end of the day.  But what does matter at the end of the day is my attitude about what I must face.  I can't control that I have an early stage of cervical cancer.  I can control how I deal with it.  This isn't who I am, it's just another speedbump.  Okay, maybe a hurdle.  Life goes on. 

Life is a journey.  This is mine.  I know in all of this, I will learn something about myself.  I will be stronger for it.  The mindset that I use for my triathlons will be the same mindset I use to get through this challenge.  I've never been one to back down from a challenge.  And this is no exception.  Bring it.       

A triathlete is...

Just admit it.  You have stereotyped someone.  Maybe you have even stereotyped me.  I'm okay with that.  I just hope you got it right.

When I first started doing triathlons, I did not consider myself a triathlete.  Because, of course, you have to understand, I could not live up to what I believed a triathlete to be.  Let me paint you a picture of what I believed a triathlete to be.  It's possible you share my outlook...

A triathlete is very type "A."  They are an over-achiever, and won't settle for anything less than perfection.  A triathlete wakes up at 3:30am, has a very strong cup of espresso(imported from some foreign country of course) and grabs a banana, while also juggling the act of packing a swim bag and shaving.  They drive to their local pool and jump in to 55 degree water in a speedo and swim for about 3 hours.  All while looking intense.  After that "easy" swim they drive to their corporate job and do fancy executive things for 8 hours.  Think: lots of phone calls on a bluetooth, work lunches, and technical terms, luxury cars.  After work, they go for a 4 hour bike ride on a very intimidating, yet aerodynamic triathlon bike.  Again, remember, they look intense the whole time, and they never have fun.  What is a smile?  They eat a well-balanced dinner of lean meat, whole grains and veggies.  No alcohol, no sweets, no gluten, no sugar, no lactose, no fun.  When race day comes, the typical triathlete puts on their fiercest scowl and intense look and shows up early to set up their transition area.  They look only at their friends with equally intimidating and fierce looks.  If you don't wear the same kit as them, don't even bother to look in their direction.  You are not part of the pack.  Don't ask questions.  Don't talk.  And don't you DARE have any fun out their on the course.  Triathletes are there to win.  And be aero.  And fierce.  But never friendly.  Go get your medal.  You better be on the podium.  And then I became a triathlete.  And this is what I learned...

A triathlete can be all of the things above.  And to tell you the truth, I can fit in to the stereotype of many of those things.  But above all of those things, a triathlete is just a human who wants to push their limits and they want to LIVE.  They want to go through this "process" of triathlon and learn new things about themselves.  They want to work hard, train hard, and have fun.  On race day, they want to set a new record, not to prove that they are better than anyone, but to prove that they have bettered themselves.  A triathlete laughs, and most of them have pretty awesome personalities.  Some of my funniest conversations have been with triathletes.  A triathlete is a loving mom, whose first priority is her children, but this might be her outlet.  A triathlete is a poor college student who is looking to have some fun in the midst of all of the studying.  A triathlete drinks occasionally.  They have cookies, or 5.  They go out and have fun.  They eat poorly at times.  A triathlete could be your mom, sister, boss, friend.  But above all of it, a triathlete is just human.  Just like you.  And me.  And, hey, I'm not really all that bad.  Right?