When @#$% gets real

I go to bed early and I wake up before the sun rises.  I have generally worked out for an hour or two before most people have hit snooze on their alarm.  I eat whole foods, no lactose, lean proteins, antioxidants.  I have low body fat, an amazing heart rate and blood pressure.  My blood work is top notch.  I don't drink, don't smoke.  I am healthy.  I am probably one of the healthiest people I know.  I work hard at it every day.  Yet, after an abnormal PAP smear and three painful biopsies, I am the one with cervical cancer.  I am the one going in for emergency surgery to attempt to save my reproductive organs because as my doctor said, "You are so young."  I am the one who will have to endure a 6 week recovery where I am not able to any of the things I love.  Why me?  Well, hey, life's not fair.

I got the news in Ross, shopping for Christmas gifts.  I am sure I turned white, and it's possible I threw up but I can't remember.  As I made my way to the car to talk to the doctor, I just couldn't believe he was talking about me.  And I couldn't believe it was so bad.  After the initial shock, I think I was taking it pretty well.  Jeff came home and we talked about it.  I kept thinking to myself, "Man, you are such a trooper.  Look at you holding it all together so nicely."  But the thing is, sometimes it's really easy to stomach something until you think about what you are facing.  And when you start talking about it and realizing that this is actually happening, to YOU, shit gets real.  And so, I lost it.  I cried about the fact that I had cancer.  And why me?  Why do I have to go through this?  I don't want to go under anesthesia.  I don't want to have a six week recovery.  I don't want any part of this.  This shouldn't be happening to me.  In fact, I hate every single part of this.  And. No. Thanks.

I came to my senses a couple days later.  The fact is this is happening.  To me.  Right now.  I will have to go through surgery January 4th and then I will have to endure a six week recovery of no working out.  Well, that's like telling someone to wake up and not breathe.  Sure, it could be worse, but it could be a lot better.  But, this is my reality.  And whether or not I like it, it's going down.  Post-meltdown, I am looking forward in a positive direction.  I guess I could be super bummed and sit here and wallow, but that's just not me.  All the "what-ifs" and "why-mes" really don't matter at the end of the day.  But what does matter at the end of the day is my attitude about what I must face.  I can't control that I have an early stage of cervical cancer.  I can control how I deal with it.  This isn't who I am, it's just another speedbump.  Okay, maybe a hurdle.  Life goes on. 

Life is a journey.  This is mine.  I know in all of this, I will learn something about myself.  I will be stronger for it.  The mindset that I use for my triathlons will be the same mindset I use to get through this challenge.  I've never been one to back down from a challenge.  And this is no exception.  Bring it.