When @#$% gets real

I go to bed early and I wake up before the sun rises.  I have generally worked out for an hour or two before most people have hit snooze on their alarm.  I eat whole foods, no lactose, lean proteins, antioxidants.  I have low body fat, an amazing heart rate and blood pressure.  My blood work is top notch.  I don't drink, don't smoke.  I am healthy.  I am probably one of the healthiest people I know.  I work hard at it every day.  Yet, after an abnormal PAP smear and three painful biopsies, I am the one with cervical cancer.  I am the one going in for emergency surgery to attempt to save my reproductive organs because as my doctor said, "You are so young."  I am the one who will have to endure a 6 week recovery where I am not able to any of the things I love.  Why me?  Well, hey, life's not fair.

I got the news in Ross, shopping for Christmas gifts.  I am sure I turned white, and it's possible I threw up but I can't remember.  As I made my way to the car to talk to the doctor, I just couldn't believe he was talking about me.  And I couldn't believe it was so bad.  After the initial shock, I think I was taking it pretty well.  Jeff came home and we talked about it.  I kept thinking to myself, "Man, you are such a trooper.  Look at you holding it all together so nicely."  But the thing is, sometimes it's really easy to stomach something until you think about what you are facing.  And when you start talking about it and realizing that this is actually happening, to YOU, shit gets real.  And so, I lost it.  I cried about the fact that I had cancer.  And why me?  Why do I have to go through this?  I don't want to go under anesthesia.  I don't want to have a six week recovery.  I don't want any part of this.  This shouldn't be happening to me.  In fact, I hate every single part of this.  And. No. Thanks.

I came to my senses a couple days later.  The fact is this is happening.  To me.  Right now.  I will have to go through surgery January 4th and then I will have to endure a six week recovery of no working out.  Well, that's like telling someone to wake up and not breathe.  Sure, it could be worse, but it could be a lot better.  But, this is my reality.  And whether or not I like it, it's going down.  Post-meltdown, I am looking forward in a positive direction.  I guess I could be super bummed and sit here and wallow, but that's just not me.  All the "what-ifs" and "why-mes" really don't matter at the end of the day.  But what does matter at the end of the day is my attitude about what I must face.  I can't control that I have an early stage of cervical cancer.  I can control how I deal with it.  This isn't who I am, it's just another speedbump.  Okay, maybe a hurdle.  Life goes on. 

Life is a journey.  This is mine.  I know in all of this, I will learn something about myself.  I will be stronger for it.  The mindset that I use for my triathlons will be the same mindset I use to get through this challenge.  I've never been one to back down from a challenge.  And this is no exception.  Bring it.       

A triathlete is...

Just admit it.  You have stereotyped someone.  Maybe you have even stereotyped me.  I'm okay with that.  I just hope you got it right.

When I first started doing triathlons, I did not consider myself a triathlete.  Because, of course, you have to understand, I could not live up to what I believed a triathlete to be.  Let me paint you a picture of what I believed a triathlete to be.  It's possible you share my outlook...

A triathlete is very type "A."  They are an over-achiever, and won't settle for anything less than perfection.  A triathlete wakes up at 3:30am, has a very strong cup of espresso(imported from some foreign country of course) and grabs a banana, while also juggling the act of packing a swim bag and shaving.  They drive to their local pool and jump in to 55 degree water in a speedo and swim for about 3 hours.  All while looking intense.  After that "easy" swim they drive to their corporate job and do fancy executive things for 8 hours.  Think: lots of phone calls on a bluetooth, work lunches, and technical terms, luxury cars.  After work, they go for a 4 hour bike ride on a very intimidating, yet aerodynamic triathlon bike.  Again, remember, they look intense the whole time, and they never have fun.  What is a smile?  They eat a well-balanced dinner of lean meat, whole grains and veggies.  No alcohol, no sweets, no gluten, no sugar, no lactose, no fun.  When race day comes, the typical triathlete puts on their fiercest scowl and intense look and shows up early to set up their transition area.  They look only at their friends with equally intimidating and fierce looks.  If you don't wear the same kit as them, don't even bother to look in their direction.  You are not part of the pack.  Don't ask questions.  Don't talk.  And don't you DARE have any fun out their on the course.  Triathletes are there to win.  And be aero.  And fierce.  But never friendly.  Go get your medal.  You better be on the podium.  And then I became a triathlete.  And this is what I learned...

A triathlete can be all of the things above.  And to tell you the truth, I can fit in to the stereotype of many of those things.  But above all of those things, a triathlete is just a human who wants to push their limits and they want to LIVE.  They want to go through this "process" of triathlon and learn new things about themselves.  They want to work hard, train hard, and have fun.  On race day, they want to set a new record, not to prove that they are better than anyone, but to prove that they have bettered themselves.  A triathlete laughs, and most of them have pretty awesome personalities.  Some of my funniest conversations have been with triathletes.  A triathlete is a loving mom, whose first priority is her children, but this might be her outlet.  A triathlete is a poor college student who is looking to have some fun in the midst of all of the studying.  A triathlete drinks occasionally.  They have cookies, or 5.  They go out and have fun.  They eat poorly at times.  A triathlete could be your mom, sister, boss, friend.  But above all of it, a triathlete is just human.  Just like you.  And me.  And, hey, I'm not really all that bad.  Right?

Learning to bend

I woke up at 6:00am this Sunday excited to get out on a run.  I had a plan and was anxious to get on the road.  You see, when I was younger , I just went out and ran and that was enough.  Now, I need a plan if I want to see any results.  Looking back, the only thing I miss about being younger was my ability to just run with no plan and not get injured.  But those days are over.  While my mind would love to run all day, my body has other ideas.  I have battled injuries for years due to running.  But if you know me, you know I would never consider giving it up.  I'm just learning to bend...

It's now 7:00 am and I am at Lake Murray to run according to plan.  I have my compression socks on, my GPS watch, and my iPod.  I am ready to do this!!  The plan is to warm up for about 5-10 minutes and then do 20 minutes at a 7:00 to 7:30/mile pace, and then cool down.  The plan wasn't a long run like I have been doing, but instead to build my confidence going in to my next triathlon with a short amount of tempo work.  Tunnel of Love by Bruce Springsteen starts to play and I am off on my warm up.  Here we go! 

Hello??  Legs?  Are you there?  Please move!!  No such luck.  I think I must have gained about 30 pounds, but just in my legs.  Over night.  Okay.  Maybe not.  But that's how it felt.  And this was just the warm up.  Oh no.  And, my GPS watch has decided to die meaning I won't know my pace.  When you start out a run like this a few things go through my mind.  It is basically a downward spiral.  First I think, "Oh no, am I going to be able to do this?"  Then I think, "If I do this, am I going to injure myself because my legs are already fatigued?"  Then, "If I injure myself, what if I can't ever race again?"  and finally, "What if I was never able to race again?"  I tend to be very dramatic for very small portions of time when it comes to triathlon and the thought of losing it.  It lasts about .5 seconds, but that's enough to create a mental block.  So where do I go from here?  I could just turn around and call it a day.  But as Katy Perry says, "This is the part of me, that you're never going to take away from me."  My legs are fatigued, but my soul is not broken, so we are still here to work.  I just need to learn to bend.

Like a tree must bend in order to not break, so must we, as athletes.  And I am learning to bend.  I couldn't change the fact that my legs were fatigued, but  I could bend.  I did a longer run, but at a slower, comfortable pace.  I kept my mind right and I never thought I had failed because I didn't stick to my plan.  You have to learn to bend.  Sometimes you show up and everything goes as planned.  You do your speedwork or your hill repeats or your swim drills.  But, life happens.  And when it does, I am glad I have learned to bend.  Because when you bend, you won't break.

Tri Rock 2012

Tri Rock is one of my favorite races.  There is so much energy at this race.  You show up early and you hear a band playing and you just think, "I am a triathlete, and this is just wonderful."  I have done this race before and I was really looking forward to meeting up with my friend Davina and sharing in this madness of triathlon.  This is really the one triathlon that I do for fun, and not for a place on the podium.  So I was super-pumped to just soak it all up.  No pressure, just fun.

I get nervous before I get in to the water.  I wonder about my goggles leaking or not having a good swim, or getting whacked in the head.  I even think totally unreasonable things like, "What if I don't make it through the swim?"  So...I talk.  I talk to anyone standing next to me.  I will talk about anything, just to silence these little voices in my head filling my mind with doubt.  There just can't be any room for that when you race.  That day was so hot and all I wanted to do was get in the water.  And by the time we entered the water, I just wanted to stay in it!  No such luck.  The gun went off and by the time I felt comfortable, I was out of the swim and on to the bike.  That's what happens when you are training at longer distances.  You swim 500 meters and it's just your warm-up.

The bike course was much better this year.  No train tracks.  If you remember(I do), I fell off my bike last year over these stupid train tracks and it really messed up my whole race.  This year was better, but still not my favorite course.  There was a lot of turning and maneuvering.  And it was hot!  Did I mention it was hot??  But the bike went well and then I was off to the run.  Oh...the run.  I was done by mile one.  It was probably over 95 degrees and I was just not able to get my breathing and heart rate under control.  There was actually a point where I thought maybe I would have a heart attack.  Luckily, that didn't happen.  But I guess there is your proof that I truly give it all!  I finished strong and I was proud of my race because I had given everything I could have given.

I ended up placing third in my age division which is great especially considering I had so much fun.  And the thing that really made me bubble over with excitement is that I qualified for the USA Triathlon Age Division National Championships!  ME!!!  Now, along with Ironman I will be competing with the best of the best next year on a national level.

It's races like these that I look back on when things get tough.  When I don't want to train I think back at what I have accomplished.  None of this just "happened."  I had to work hard for it.  I made sacrifices, but when I see these accomplishments, it is all worth it.  Every bead of sweat, every sore muscle, every early morning, every penny....I wouldn't trade any of it.

Limitless

I can run a 5k, because it exists and I know people who have done them.  I can run a 22k, because once I got lost and ended up running 13.1 miles.  So, I know I am capable of that.  My friend Kevin bailed on a triathlon and talked me in to doing it.  I showed up and won.  I am capable of that.  I am training for an Ironman and I know that I am capable of this because, well, I decided that I am.
Our lives are limitless, if we choose to view it that way.  If you can imagine it, is is possible.  The word impossible is really just a way of saying, "I am not strong enough."  I would like to think that I live a life with out limits.  Once I have conquered one thing, and the limit has been pushed, I change the limit.  Because what is life if it's stagnant?  What would happen if everything was mediocre?  What if you raced that same race, with the same effort and same result as the many before?  Would you settle for that?
As we go through our lives and we challenge ourselves, we test our limits.  We discover that it wasn't impossible.  Rather, it was just another one of life's little tests.  We overcome and we redefine "limit."  We find that we never really had a limit, because our lives are limitless.

What's yours?

Last Sunday, I headed off to Mission Trails for a run with one of my Hi-Tech Bikes teammates.  Of course, he is an awesome runner and I am well, less awesome(injury involved).  The first time we headed off on a run, I let him know that I might not be able to push it because of my strained tendon in my foot.  He was understanding and I ended up doing pretty well considering.  So, last Sunday I showed up and I let him know that I was still congested from a cold I had a week ago.  And he looks at me and asks in all honesty, "Is that your excuse today?"  A fire built up inside me and I had a great run, knowing that my excuse didn't matter.  At all. 
We all head to our runs, rides, swims, gym work outs with an excuse in mind.  Don't lie.  You have one.  Mine tend to vary.  I like to mix it up, I guess.  Right now I go from a hurt foot, to being fatigued, working too much, that time of the month, no energy, no time, I'll give more tomorrow.  My training suffers because of my excuses.  I am so glad that my teammate asked me this question.  "Is that your excuse today?"  Since he asked me that, I have shown up with no excuses.  Not one. 
So, I challenge you to admit your excuse.  Conquer it and kick it out of your life.  The more time and effort you spend allowing your excuse to win, the less time you will spend training.  What is your excuse today?  And to that I say, "What excuse?  I have no excuse!"

One of "those" people...

I am one of THOSE people.  One of the people who would love to be a professional student.  Most people think this is a strange thing, unless you are one of "those" people as well.  For me, school was so much fun.  Fun, as in, I loved to learn and then learn even more.  Once you learned one thing, you had so many other things to learn.  It's never-ending!  And you would learn whatever was being taught and then you would be tested.  And I loved to be tested.  Because I loved to get a perfect score.  And a perfect score was totally in reach!  You could put in the hours and effort studying to show up on test day and pass with flying colors.  When you received your test back with a big, fat "A+" the pride inside you would just fill you up to the brim.  You couldn't wait to get home to show your family so they could share in your pride.  But, maybe that's just because I am one of "those" people.
Fast forward to today, where I am forced to work for money and not a grade.  Not ideal, but it's the real world.  So, instead of challenging my mind, I challenge my body.  I now work for a win, a personal record, or some other type of physical challenge.  I am still one of "those" people, but now in the physical sense.  Works for me.  People tend to question me on a regular basis or express concern in what I do.  Some people don't understand why I would go to the lengths that I go to.  Well, just as I worked so hard for that high grade, I now work for that physical best.  And just like I ran home with my best grade in hand, I now run home with my medal in hand full of pride and joy, just waiting to share it with my family and friends.
For me, it's about hard work and the results that hard work gets you.  It's about pushing your boundaries and proving that the world is truly limitless if you choose to view it that way.  So, whether you are working out your body or your mind, do it the max.  Go for the glory.  Go for the A+, the win, the personal best.  And just like when you were in school, the result is up to you.  You get out of your life what you put in.  And, to that I say...I'll work for an A+ any day!!